Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Defined - Quatre

We are not defined by the mistakes we make
but by the way we handle them
i would love to think, that that was a quotable thing to say
i would love to be quoted

like, proper quoted, not some lame, oh and sam said this, blah blah, shit
ah, the days go by.
^^first full stop, woo woo, doesn't actually make sense because only commas have been my choice of punctuation, but eh
what is it with the letter j

when i thought about writing this blog this evening, i thought i would have more to say, but my mind has decided to leave my head and go on a jolly jump around the country, leaving me to ramble on, until i get my train of thought back.
ah, thank you mcglasses, thats right, i cant rationalize, that is where my avoidance of questions comes from, dam chicken wings.
ah, my train is falling off the tracks, dammit
fat controller do you read me, fat controller, AHHH

i dont like public displays of affection
especially ones involving me, and another man
honestly, i am not comfortable with the whole thing
the whole, like, gah

i dont feel comfortable talking about my sexuality
it is way too personal to me
this is the first blog i have ever put a mention to it
i just dont feel comfortable when people ask questions, or when people like keep mentioning it, or when it seems to obvious to people because there is some guy hanging off me. i dont feel comfortable with the whole thing, because honestly, its WAY too personal to me

and i know, that people will ask questions, fair enough.
but that doesnt mean i have to be fine with it.
its one of those things, i duno. i think the best way to describe it is if you have cancer, or a really terrible scar, and like you have been covering it up, or like not letting people know about it and stuff, and then all of a sudden, people are asking questions, and its just like, this is one of those things that is like mm, and like, gah.
and i also dont want to be defined by \certain aspects of my life. i dont want to think that it makes me any different, or changes who i am. its just one of those things that i like to keep to myself i guess.

its been bothering me.
and this whole, latching on, and also the whole, bragging and telling everyone thing, that mr McTall seems to have a constant desire to do, is kinda not what i want at all.
the sad thing is, is i still dont feel like i have the strength to do anything about it anymore, i just cant be bothered with trying to control the stuff that wont control itself.
i duno, if that sounded harsh, in my mind, i thihk i was kinda trying to make it sound harsh, but eh

i have a constant mixing of emotions sometimes.
with the random J's that appear.
piss them and shit fuck
wow i dont think i have swore before on a blog, i probably have, but this seems more significant, maybe.

things might be better if they were different
might, haha, most certainly. which is quite tragic if you think about it, all very very tragic and terrible.
the terror of the truth. cant be scared of the reqality. if my heart and soul was given the choice, a free chjoice to do whatever it so desires, i know exactly what it would choose, but i fear that in the end, the heart and soul wont be able to control my generaly good nature, and therefore the rut that i get stuck in, will eventually take over. which is terrible and tragic and all around nasty, and not fair in anyways, for any member.
i could be all selfish and do the right thing, or i could do the wrong thing, but to be totally selfless. what a shit tastic dilemma, that hasnt even happened yet, and with a likely hood of practially zero, then why do i worry

because i know where my heart lies
i know where everyones elses does too
ah, the Shoebox is crazed.


  1. Sam.
    I love you.
    And don't want questions, then I won't ask them.
    I don't really care about any of that stuff anyways.
    All I care about is being there for you when you need me, and the fact that you have been here for me when I needed you, especially this week.

    "we are not defined by the mistakes we make, but by the way we handle them."

    That's a quote I won't forget.

    Just like "you're the star I naked mole rat on every night"


  2. Pfft, that was meant to say "And if you don't want questions..."
    I can't type.
    Or sleep.