Thursday, October 30, 2008

Nine Dreams, Two Nightmares And All The Friends You Need!


I have a desire to just type my thoughts out, and so here i am. typing away, thinking of things to write. i if cant think of anything worth while, i will just end up posting this anyways, and just being random, because i can get away with just being weird, because thats the kind of person i am. :P

i just watched Dreamgirls, i love that movie. its amazing and like, emotional. it has a great story and brilliant songs. haha, and it nearly makes me cry, lol, nearly.

i really cant think of much to say. i think i have stuff that i would love to just sit here and type, but i dot. i duno, either i cant find the words to say it, or i dont have the flow to keep going. how odd.

i realized something last night, when i was thinking once again. i have also been drained of all my strength and will power. which is terrible, because i think that my inner strength and my limitless will power are 2 things that make me who i am.

i think i can pin point the reasons behind my sudden-ish change in self. but i duno, i wish it were something different, or i wish i could find out that it could be something different. i wish the only explanation any had given me, wasnt for what they said, but for something else.

i am a strong person. i dont let people push me down or break me apart. i always feel the need to stand up for my heart and soul, but my mind seems to be in a turmoil at the moment, or something, i duno. i think my soul is my strength and my will, but i duno, it has been crushed, and my heart is blind. my soul is my hearts eyes. hmm

i know that people cant really help, but to hear them say they dont know what to do, and then not even come up with anything, or just tell me, good luck i hope you can get through this, or tell me, i dont know what i can do. it just kinda breaks my spirits some more. when i ask for help, i just need someone to pick me up, and walk me to the hospital, not fix me there and then. i duno, i feel let down by myself and all those around me. honestly.

people only think about how to solve a solution, but sometimes just showing that you are trying, is enough to make the problem seem less of a challenge. i duno, i am hoping people are reading this and are thinking good things, and are just i duno.

this is my chronicle of thinks. my journal of bodiless adventure. my totem of tales, treasury and tantalizing tricks, told to you, to tell the times and travels my thoughts do tribulate.

'When You Die .. They Wont Mourn .. Rather I .. Shall Be The One .. To Cry .. To Weep .. To Scream To The Heavens .. I Shall Have The Void Left In My Heart .. They Will Merely Acknowledge You Departure And .. Move On .. I Will Forever Be Left Where I Lay .. Reliving .. The Memories We Shared .. The Times We Laughed .. The Times We Cried .. The Times When All Mountains Were Just Hills .. And Lakes Were Just Puddles .. When You Die .. My Friend .. I Will Be The One .. To Write A Song .. And Sing It Everyday .. They Wont .. So Why Dear Friend .. Do You Throw It Away .. This Life That We Have .. Why Do You Do All This .. For Them .. The Ones That .. Wont Cry .. Wont Weep .. Wont Scream To The Heavens .. Wont Have A Void Left In There Heart .. Why Everyday .. Must I Struggle .. To Be Recognized .. To Be Cared For .. To Be Remembered .. For I Am The One .. Who Will Cry .. When You Die'

i duno what that was. i am in an odd mood.

hhmm, i think i will end this blog, i have ran out of steam. i think. i will probably be blogging again later, haha, i cant stop, hmm

i love the love you give to me, i keep it in my pocket. i love the love you give to me, i hold it in my hand. i love the love you give to me, it makes me smile all the time. i love the love you give to me, you'll never understand.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I feel completely drained.

its the best word to describe things at the moment. i feel drained of all my emotions, like they have been sucked out of me, and so all i am is some hollow emotionless shell. i feel all my energy has been taken out of me, leaving me to be a motionless hollow shell. i feel like all that is going on around me is just an illusion, and that who i am and how i am acting is just the shell being puppeted about.

i can hear the steady rants of my mother, shouting at my snot nosed sister as she cries her eyes out, just to get away with her selfish ways. i feel a steady sense of betrayal from people i love so dearly, after being explained so well, a situation i could see right in front of me. i have a dreaded feeling of impossibility as i have my strongest desire to not see wounded cubs be stamped on.

at the moment, i feel rather use less and help less. i feel like all that i put into things, just get spat back in my face, and that if i start to care too much, all that happens is it dies in front of me.

i regret every honest piece of harsh words, or anything ungrateful, arrogant or spiteful i have ever said to anyone. i wish that i had never been heartless, and that my confidence had never got the better of me. but now i feel like i am forgetting who i am.

the strange and unwanted confusion of waking up, living a day, and going to bed, not at all living how you think you should, or making the choices and thinking the thought processes, that you yourself cant understand. i find it odd and unsatisfying to know that i am not being myself these days.

but i just feel so drained. i feel so out of it, and strange. i am a stranger in my own head. i am the pedestrian amongst the traffic.

shoulders are held there for mere seconds, not long enough for me to rest on. ears are waiting for only what they wish to hear. everyday i feel a struggle to understand myself, and to then describe, scratch away at the memories. signs are shown that there is limited reception, and so no one really wishes to know.

i wish that i could just help myself and pick up my own feet and carry myself to the place where i am myself again. i hate asking for help.

I Am Too Much Of A Good Person.

i am nice, i am kind, i am considerate, and i honestly care a lot about all the people around me. i thinks it fair to say that i am a good person, i ain't praising myself too excessively by saying that.

i mean, sure i am a bitch, and i can be really mean and all that. but that is generally to someone who has either treated me ill or done something to someone else i know, or people who i know treat other people bad, like whore year 8's and such. and in some ways i think it is healthy to have a good hate of people, i mean, like not one where to completely like are just agro, but like a healthy dislike or people is fine enough. you cant like everyone.

but those people that i do like, i care a lot for. and generally i treat people as good as i can when i first meet them.

although, most people people would say are good, most seem to be confidentless, and i aint, so i dont let people walk over me, which i think is a sad thing for people that do. altho, i think sometimes i do let people have the upper hand over me, because sometimes i just dont need peoples shit.

i would like to think that i am a positivly confident person, but often i feel like i just cant. mm

back on point. i am a good person.

i dont like to hunt to hurt people, in fact, i hunt to make people feel better. i will tell people who i think are gorgus, how gorgus i think they are, even tho i am sure people dont often say it, because people dont really do stuff like that. i duno, now i sound like a weirdo

i dont know where i am heading with this blog, i am just typing shit, hhmm.

i would like to know what people think of me, because i'm sure there is someone out there, who is probably thinking, GOOD, WTF MAN, PISS OFF. hmm

if thats you, then let me know, i would prefer to know that think otherwise

even tho, i really do think i am, :P

i guess one point i would just wish to say, is that when i get into something with someone, like a relationship, whether i think it is working or not, or whether i think i am being treated right or not, i think i am too much of a good person, to do what is right for me. i think when i get into something with someone, i kinda put my all into it, and i kinda never get that given back.

i've been told that i could do alot better. which i guess i dont doubt, because most people can do better with most of the things that people have got. but about me, its like, i duno.

i'm not sure what i am trying to say. hhmm

alot of my blogs and stuff have an underlying message about how i dont get treated fairly, or i dont get treated the same way i treat other people, and so like. i duno. its much worse i think, when you step into one of those more specialer relationships, and then they kinda dont quite gives as much as you do. because like, mm, in a thing like that, if you are giving lots and arent getting any of it back, it just shows a little of how you mean to them. in its own little way.

but in my mind, i duno, i would love to think that i could make a way for that to change, but i doubt that i could. i think in the end, i would end up giving way too much and end up losing it all. but i know that the chances are grim, and like, mm,i duno.

it brings up many issues and tribulations, because i duno, i cant just do nothing, but then i dont know what to do, and i dont feel as tho i could just throw it away too soon, because i duno, and like, mm

and this is where my too much of a good person thing comes in. i care too much

i duno, this blog is pointless, more rambles and bambles, lol

i should really talk about much better stuff, but mm

mm, what do you think, :P

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Longer Than Expected

Ok, so this is the 8 th time i have tried to start a blog. i have really been wanting to write one, something interesting and developing. i have had lots of ideas for blogs since sunday morning, but i just haven't stopped and wrote them down, and i came to the computer tonight, and i have started so many times, but my edge is gone, my flow is missing.

i like to express my thoughts out in these blogs, because they feel personal, yet like i am showing the world who i am. which is odd, but how i feel when i write the blogs i have over the past like 5 days, lol. i have become a blog addict, which i find extremely strange.

i steadily check my myspace see if anyone has cared anymore since 3 minutes ago, and nothing quite yet. i am talking to harry on msn, because he is the only one that will talk to me, and even then the conversation is dead. but i duno, right here, i kinda feel like i can just type and type and say exactly how i feel, no interuptions.

i am releasing all my inner wishes and wants to harry, btw everyone. i aint got a reply, but i shall, hopefully, lol.

my biggest wish of all, is that i wish with everything i have that everyone could just be happy, all together, for one day

i also want to see barbara show some confidence

i also want to see all those girls, who are naturally pretty, and that everyone can see, come out of there shell and show the world what they ahve to offer. i do

sorry, i am rambling, because i dont seem to have anythign else better to say.

A Technicolor Yawn Of Half Digested Emotions - Mr Eldgride (definition of a poem)

i hate whores, i really do. this was going to be one of my topics, but i dont have the right energy to type out hatred, but honestly, i hate whores. i love sweet and gorgus people, but i am disgusted by whores.

i feel so sorry for people with no confidence, but i love to tell them they are pretty, because they are. like jess feilder and oshada, i told them they were both pretty today, because i think they are gorgus, like, naturally pretty, like sally and lauren haynes and miranda, and like, i just think that people like, argh, i duno

rambling again

and then there is barbara, who makes me want to cry. if you dont know barbara, she is an awesome year 10 singer girl, she draws manga and is half brazilian, she has awesome black wavy hair and like, she is the sweetest person on the planet, well mm. but she has no confidence at all, and i mean, like, she can come up to people so sweetly, but people just like cut her down, and like, she is so timid and sounds so scared and like, it just kinda makes me want to cry, because i just want her to stand up and show people who she is, because i once got to know her, and she is an amazing person and its just like, :'(

aw, i love people sometimes, like not everyone, generally i hate everyone. but like, there are people sometimes that i just love, like because they are themselves, and it is amazing to just know them. ah

i love you kate, you are amazing, :P, sometimes i think it sounds like i am only saying stuff to make people feel better, but like mm, i've always said how much i love my katey bear. but i kinda feel like i only just got to know you properly after i read all your blogs, because like, ofcourse there are stuff in them, that i wouldnt have known, and its like, mm, wow, now i know the proper reasons behind all that you do, and i am a pretty keen person when it comes to figuring out that there is more to someone, and so mm, :P. i love you

this isnt meant to be a blog about me praising people


i kinda feel abit bad about my hole, relgion and stuff blog, because i dont know if it sounds as controversial as i thought it might to someone on the other side. i mean, its my opinion on stuff and like, i am up for people telling me what they think, because i always listen to what people have to say, and i always take it in, but like, i duno, i just mm, i wont go back into that, i think i shal save that for another time, when i am feeling more myself

hhm, thats it, i dont quite feel myself. i think my mask is getting tighter again. i dont know why tho, i feel more like i should be being myself, but then i dont quite, hmm, i duno. i hate thinking that i aint being myself, cos i love me, i am awesome, and if anyone thinks otherwise, then they dont really know me, or they have ticked me of and i dont like them anymore and they are seeing 'angry agro i hate you' sam, lol

dammit i owe ms gregory $2 and i have a debate tomoro

gah, i hate lessons and shit. lol.

this is going on longer than i thought it would. i hope people are reading this. hello there friend. lol. wow, my face feels numb, wtf, gah, thats terrible, or like i am being a hyperchondriac, but seriously, i touch it and it dont feel right, ow and my fingers hurt, lol, i wonder why.

wait, they are feeling abit numb, hhmm, that aint good,i shall keep on typing and pretend it aint there, but seriously what is this shit, mm. i hate feeling numb, cos it just reminds me of migraines, and they are the worst things ever, and like, i get them worse than you all, cos like, thats how my family seems to go. like, numb feelings up and down you body, not being able to see properly, headache, and just plain crazy sick feeling, gah, you have no idea


now i am talking to megan too, and she said soo, and i think she thinks something is up, cos generally, i think so much, that i always have something terrible i have to say about something going on in my head. but i am such a strong willed person and i am so strong in my own emotions that i never feel the need to express my daily wims about shit, so instead of replying to her soo, i instead said, so how are you feeling about stuff, makin er think of herself rather than me, because i am that good, mwaha, lol

she is probably going to read this and be all like, 'well fine then nigga cheese cracker white as ho, you think you can work this shit all up on me' and i will be all like, 'haha, i knew you would say it if i said you would say it, yay, thank megan' and then we will have a laugh and probably a serious conversation

mm, my stomach hurts, hhmm, i eat too much, too much crap, but this aint a crap food stomach ache, its a, theres something wrong in here kinda stomach ache. hhmm, mayeb i am having babies

harry's gone, just me and megan, still i dont really get replies anyways, people are more preoccupied in themselves, LOL, jokes, its because i aint really keep any conversations going, lol.

ah i can imagine like megan still reading on, just going, AW, now i feel bad, and then like, mm, andi dont want that, i dont like the idea of guilty tripping people, thats just manipulative and rude. gah

i am still going with this, i think someone is thinking, why doesnt this guy just quit already, i have rambled on for so long, that i have liked skipped an hours worth of hojmeworking, to talk about absolute crap. i would love to think that there is maybe one person out there right now, reading this going, wow, this is guy must be interesting. he sounds like such a nice fellow.

i mean, i would love that, i really would, lol.

i wish to save the world, YAY, for me, i duno if i have alread y said that in this blog, in one of my previous attempts today, i did, yay for that, and like, mm

christmas isnt as far away as most would hope, or close than some had dreamed, either way, sanat will be coming down your chimney some time coming.

mm, i am a randomist, yaya for whatever hat means, haha

i love you all, have a wonderful hanika and a birlliant quanza, i shall be back tomoro

P.S. i am a good person right?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Religion and stuff

Ok, so i was just reading larissa's blog on perfection, and i couldn't finish it, because my mind was exploding. not about the hole perfection in society thing, because honestly, i have never felt like i needed to be anywhere near perfect, because, no one would notice anyways. the reason i stopped reading, was because there were so many mentions to God.

By this, i mean, it got me thinking about the whole, God thing, and the whole religion thing.

Now personally, i think that religion is too much trouble for what its worth. personally i believe in some ways it can take away from peoples individuality, just in the way, that people must follow specific guidelines and what not, but then again thats just a generalization.

Larissa mentioned free will, and it got me thinking about one of my theories.

Generally i am a super duper optimist, but i dunno why, but when it comes to religion i can come across as being very bittersweet and cynical.

see, i have a theory, one of a few, that we are already in heaven. that the greatest gift a god could give, would be the chance to choose our own destiny. that free will is the biggest thing to be given, because, as much as we take it for granted, it truly is one of those things that defines us above anything else. it makes it less easy to feel comfortable about death, if that would be true, for that would mean that heaven, wouldn't be heaven at all. but mm. its one of my theories.

i find it hard to believe that god creates miracles. the main reason for that, is the only people i have ever heard say that he does grant miracles, are all people who have been well of in life in the first place, every one, has been someone who has never lived in poverty, or never been hungry, and it may be, that i just haven't heard enough people preach miracles, but it just kinda contradicts everything, when i hear people who probably don't truly understand what it is like to live without a lord looking over them, and as much as 'god' may be everywhere, there are some places he pays more attention too.

it kinda makes me worried, when it can be justified that god is still doing good things, when bad things happen to people.

am i not right in saying, that god is the single creator of everything. therefore he created satan. this is what i know, this is from peoples proclamations, if i am in anyways wrong, i would beg you to correct me. i would prefer to be over inform and still not believe fully, than to be not inform at all, and believe without question. if god created everything, he also created the bad, surely. if we go back to my theory of free will, then he didnt, we did, which i can feel more comfort in.

i read a thing, saying about how, evil isnt a thing, it is the absence of god. which in its own way makes sence. but the theory didnt really cut right. this guy used the reasoning behind cold and heat, and how cold is the absence of heat, and that dark is the absence of light. saying that you cant get any darked than dark, and you cant get any colder than some level of negative Fahrenheit, and so i thought, realisticly, you only get as good as god, and that is the limit, realisticly, so using this mans theory, god is the absence of evil

that was kinda off topic, well still on topic but not my point

i love the idea, that heaven exists. if i felt innocent enough, then i wouldnt feel bad about anything, i would feel great to know, that there is something else out there, after it all. but i just cant grasp it all.

i've met enough people, that have not been gifted with the lord looking over them.

i once spent 2 nights in hospital, because i had an infection. i was in a ward of 6 beds, and 2 of those beds were taken by children, no older than 15, who needed breathing apparatus to stay alive. now one of them, i had the chance to talk too. she was 15, it took her several breaths to complete a sentence, and it was a tear jerking moment. she told me, that she had been needing a breathing apparatus since she was 11. one day, without warning, her lungs had failed, and i cant remember all the details, but she hadnt lived a normal life since. now, some might say, that the miracle would be when she get better, for surely, if she has survive 4 years, then even that is a miracle, but simply, where was god looking over her, when it all started, she doesnt get to finish her child hood, she doesn't get to begin her teen years normal, she misses on having 4 birthday parties. she needed a nurse to bathe her. and she was 15. hardly a year younger than most of us. simply, i wonder, who would allow this to happen. she cant even say, 'atleast i got my health'. as much as a miracle might have happened to her, when will she get those past 4 years back.

so i wonder, in my heart of hearts, whether there is a all mightiful being out there. i would wish, that he/she would take the time to maybe show a little bit more that he cared, maybe. i would hope that in all this there was something, but honestly, i don't think it cares about us.

so, in spite of all that, i will still be a good person. not for the sake of anyone, not for the points of going to so called heaven. i want to be the good in this sin filled world.

let me know what you think. these are my many contradicting opinions on 'god', they all from what i know, and what i have seen. cut down on them as you may, prove to me with stylish words that i am wrong. try as you may to make me believe, or try to change my opinion that god isn't all its cracked up to be.

just remember, you didnt see what had happened to the other kid with the breathing machine.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Cant Cry

I have heard a lot of people tell me that they cry all the time. every other night, they cry themselves to sleep. not because they are unhappy with life or something, but because it just helps to release it all.

i guess i can understand that, some people just need to let go of there emotional baggage, and the bet way for them to do that, is by crying. thats fair enough.

crying is one of those things, that a lot of people have told me, is necessary. i can understand that, but i don't believe is is true. honestly, personally, i dont think it should be necessary for someone to have to go to the lowest of emotional lows, engulf themselves in all there negative, degrading and sad feelings, all to let it all out, so that you can then feel better. it shouldn't have to be that way. you shouldn't have to go through a the hole torment of welling up with tears, and screaming it all out, every few nights.

i personally don't see the reasons why i would want to put myself through that.

but that is not the reason i cant cry, because even if i could, i wouldn't cry at those moments. i wouldn't cry over the menial and trivial, because, it kinda makes the big stuff seem less important. for if you are going to cry over everything, then the big stuff just becomes another nightly cry.

so i wouldn't cry that often anyways.

but the moments when i know i can't cry, are times, when all is changing, or all is sad, all is lost and forgotten. like when i moved away from england.

on my last few days, i said goodbye, to everyone i had ever known, EVERYONE. i said goodbye to grandparents, aunts and uncles, family, long time friends. i saw all of them, blossom with tears, and i saw the trails of salty sadness travel down there faces. i saw all the people i had ever known, steadily say goodbye to me, and steadily move on. the likely hood of me seeing most of them again is limited, and i knew that, the whole time while saying goodbye. but my eyes did not water, they did not gleam with sadness, they were dry and plain.

now the simple thing to that, could be that it was shock, and that i hadnt had the time to compute it all. but i still havent cried for those days. i still havent took the time, to cry for all the people that i have lost, and i will never see again. i have not cried for the fact that i had to leave everyone behind, and i do not know when i will see most of those people again, if at all.

those days, stick into me, as ones that define me as someone who cant cry.

another tragic day in my life, wuld ne the 10th of april this year. it was a wednesday, a casually normal wednesday. most people wont recognise the date as anything significant. but to me it is the day, that the brightest most sweetest angel in my life, left me. by this, i mean, the 10th of april was the last day i saw Charity. my gorgeous angelic friend. it had been 2 weeks since we had heard the new of her leaving, and here she was. i wandered with her, as she said goodbye, to all her close school chums, i stayed with her, and missed a whole psychology lesson to spend as much mroe time as i could with her. out side the salvation army shop we had our last hug, our last words, and the last moments as i saw her turn the corner and walk home.

and again, not a single tear. not througout all of that.

but that wasnt the worst part of that day. the morning had been filled with tribulations of shit, and when i came home, my house was a warfare of explosive arguments and tension. i spent the whole night, wanting another hug. until eventually i found my self in bed. all my thoughts swirling at how much of a terrible day it had been, and how much i had lost in the past moments. and it was there, in my bed, that i tried and tried and tried, to force it. to force a tear, a singular tear. all that i wanted, was to cry. to weep my sorrows away, the shead all the terrible baggage that i had shrouding over me. i wanted to feel the steadily flow of my own sadness roll down my face. but no emotional force in me could do it. i lay there, for hours. trying to cry, and i couldn't do it.

most of the time, me not being able to cry, is fine, i can deal with it. but it is times like those. where all i wish to do, is to let it all out, and i can't.

i think i have figured out a theory as to why am i am like this.

when i was young, i was a crier. an extreme crier. everything, menial, trivial, pointless, i would cry about, and as a result, i was bullied for it. i was bullied for crying, and because of that, i cried more, and more, and the vicious cycle continued. until one day, i cried no more. until the day, that i had cried a lifetimes worth of tears. i had cried all i could, and so now, i cry no more.

don't feel sorry for me, it is my curse, my burden and my greatest positive.

so when you see me, speaking gibberish, being random or just cynically bland, i would just like you to consider, that maybe that is my way of crying, or that maybe i am just a freak, :P

Friday, October 24, 2008

6 Word Stories

Ok, so these are my 6 word stories. The idead of a 6 word story, is to simply tell a story in 6 words. These are my attempts at some.

Saving The World
Stands. Breathes. Ultimatum. Sits. Waits. Change.

Chicken Tonight
'So, How Long Until Dinner?' ... DING!

Love Found. Love Lost. Love Again.

Speeders In The Rain
Stops At Sign. Checks. Indicates. CRASH!

Speeders In The Rain 2
Glances Back. Passes Light. Accelerates. CRASH!

Domestic Abuse
The Bottle Smashes As She Swings.

Notes From Afar
A Tear, As The Letter Ends.

National Pride
The Anthem Clasped There Heart Strings.

She Stands At The Corner, Waiting.

No Hug Shall Mend My Heart.

Best Friend
Does Not Heal, Rather, Takes Part.

Leaving School
The Bell Signals The Last Moments.


Together Forever.
They Lasted 6 Months

Sidewalk Pains
The Ominous Lights. Hit Baby Carriage.

Mothers Words
'No More Chocolate. Clean Your Teeth!'

Judgement On Saints

She Regretted Her Speculations.
He Died.


The Ambulance Arrived.
Futile Attempts Made.


The Crowd Applauded.
The Juggler Left.

I Hope You Liked. Tell Me Which Ones You Liked, And Stuff. Some Are Good, Some Are A Bit Emotional And Stuff. But Yeh, Let Me Know.

Its Uncanny To Feel So Lonely Around So Many People

Ok, so today, i went through something odd. The simple thing that happened, was i got banned from the music department.
Its not a big deal, realistically, but it did leave me in quite a situation. Only McGlasses, McDrums, McBass and McTall, could really make me feel better about it.
Now my expectation on McTall have steadily been drooping, and i did not believe that i could have supressed my inner loneliness with him. i need to talk to him, but i never do, gahness. McTall is complicating, and innocent and confusing, and i like that, but i need to know more, mm. off topic.

ok, let me just explain my emotions and all that.

ok, so i can imagine something here. inside that simple music department, there must have been some great funs, the greatest, ones that could not be risked. 40 minutes of pure excitement and enthralling joys, i can imagine, because thats what i love about that place. i can imagine how brilliant it must have been, how amazing it must have been, because it must have been so brilliant, that to contemplate leaving it, was ridiculous thoughts.
i mean, because to spend less than 40 minutes outside with just me, is absurd. i mean, the fun, is truely amazing.
but i am not recentful of the amount of fun that was had, because i can imagine it all, and that is enough for me.

for a few moments, say 10 15 maybe 20 minuutes, i had McGlasses and her friend with me, that was good. i tried to keep her with me aslog as i could, but the calling of the fun was too powerful, and so steadily that one was taken from me too. i was promised by McGlasses that people would come to spend time with me, and i trusted that promise.

now i have lived my times as a lonely person, i have dealt with the singular notions and the pondering hours of boredom and nauseating repetitive motions of just being by yourself. i have done that, i have lived it, and luckily for me, i have got by it, and found companions, hooray.

but today, while pssing boredom with snake 2 extreme, until eventually i wasnt playing to pass bored, but to distract myself from the hopelessness of the lonely. i got the cold chill of it again. it may have just be a small hint of it, but it was enough. to feel again, what it was like, to be forgot, left out, and all the most elaborate of feelings, coming back for those few moments, it was terrible.

every person that came out of that door, i had wished was my uncanny's, anyone, even just one, someone. but everytime, all i saw, was an unrecognizable year 8, or wrinkled teacher. each time my hope would rise, and deplete.

now, as much as i may be sounding un fair, it wasnt any of your fault that i was not aloud back in, and you were having such an amazing time inside. youm all must realise by now, that if it had been you sitting out there, you would have not spent a moment with your hope depleteing, and you would have not spent a single second of your banishment hopeinf so dearly to return. because you would have atleast had me. i would have stuck by you, no matter how much fun would have been had inside. you know that, deep down, you know that i would be the one to do that, even if no one else would.
so i wonder, why, when you know i would be the one to do it for you, could no one return the favour, no one. why would anyone consider leaving someone alone like that.

i could have easily have found somewhere else. but i had hoped that i wouldnt have needed to. surely the people who i treat so well, and who i have trusted to be there for me, and i so honestly am for them. i had trusted that they would be there for me in my time of desperation and need. so why was it, that i was left alone.

i have always treated people as i wish to be treated. but why does it never get returned.

i am sorry, if in anyway i have been unfair, but this is how it felt. honestly it felt like, to spend all your time enjoying the fun, that you could do anytime, was more worth it, than just spending a few measly minutes to stop me from feeling so alone.And as much as it may have just been a hit of loneliness, it hurt.

i have heard your apologises and it means alot to me
but it would have meant alot more to me, if someone had just been there.

Patient Listener

I realized today, how honestly patient i can be. When it comes down to it, when it comes to the crunch, i can be very patient.
By this is am talking about, people and there problems, and there necessity to tell someone, and honestly, i think you may find, that i am patient when it comes to people telling me what is up.
I realized today, how strangely tolerant i am, of people, and there emotions. i think it is my developing empathy. funny thing that.
A lot of people i have seen, cant handle the pressures of listening to people. they constant tell them, to get over it, or move on, or the likes. they are, for the sake of a point, impatient. i guess.
i saw it today, how quick people seem to be, to cut down on someones feelings, unintentionally, because there opinion doesn't comprehend with theres. irrationality and rationality don't comprehend, a simple thing i have noticed.
but yes.
i also realized how good a listener i am. i have always thought i am, but i realized again, how good i am. lol
i am complimenting myself a bit too much, but i find it necessary. because no one else every sees it, or acknowledges it.
ah, i grow tired of this blog, one day i will develop more on it, but for now, toodles

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I Am Random

See If You Can Figure Out Any Of My Meanings. They All Make Sense, In There Own Messed Up Ways.

Tasteless Windows Of Nonsensical Rhymes, Catch The Fallen Dreams Of Stars Gone By.

Each Power Hungry Master, Makes A Slave Less Word More Like Heaven. Reality Dead Less, Sea Nice, Catch It.

I Love More Than Castle Prodded Queen. King Ruler Of Sentinel, Catch Wisdom. Chased Down By Witches.

Grape Sized Elephant, Or Watermelon Mouse. Contingencies Of Gravity, Fall Hopeful, Grace Without.

Congratulations! You Have Successfully Made A Tear Shredded Widow, Blaspheme Through Her Own Nightingale Anthem.

A Smiley, Changes Sarcasm.

I Am Getting Bored Of This, When I Have Simpler Things To Say, I Shall Be Back.