Ok, so i was just reading larissa's blog on perfection, and i couldn't finish it, because my mind was exploding. not about the hole perfection in society thing, because honestly, i have never felt like i needed to be anywhere near perfect, because, no one would notice anyways. the reason i stopped reading, was because there were so many mentions to God.
By this, i mean, it got me thinking about the whole, God thing, and the whole religion thing.
Now personally, i think that religion is too much trouble for what its worth. personally i believe in some ways it can take away from peoples individuality, just in the way, that people must follow specific guidelines and what not, but then again thats just a generalization.
Larissa mentioned free will, and it got me thinking about one of my theories.
Generally i am a super duper optimist, but i dunno why, but when it comes to religion i can come across as being very bittersweet and cynical.
see, i have a theory, one of a few, that we are already in heaven. that the greatest gift a god could give, would be the chance to choose our own destiny. that free will is the biggest thing to be given, because, as much as we take it for granted, it truly is one of those things that defines us above anything else. it makes it less easy to feel comfortable about death, if that would be true, for that would mean that heaven, wouldn't be heaven at all. but mm. its one of my theories.
i find it hard to believe that god creates miracles. the main reason for that, is the only people i have ever heard say that he does grant miracles, are all people who have been well of in life in the first place, every one, has been someone who has never lived in poverty, or never been hungry, and it may be, that i just haven't heard enough people preach miracles, but it just kinda contradicts everything, when i hear people who probably don't truly understand what it is like to live without a lord looking over them, and as much as 'god' may be everywhere, there are some places he pays more attention too.
it kinda makes me worried, when it can be justified that god is still doing good things, when bad things happen to people.
am i not right in saying, that god is the single creator of everything. therefore he created satan. this is what i know, this is from peoples proclamations, if i am in anyways wrong, i would beg you to correct me. i would prefer to be over inform and still not believe fully, than to be not inform at all, and believe without question. if god created everything, he also created the bad, surely. if we go back to my theory of free will, then he didnt, we did, which i can feel more comfort in.
i read a thing, saying about how, evil isnt a thing, it is the absence of god. which in its own way makes sence. but the theory didnt really cut right. this guy used the reasoning behind cold and heat, and how cold is the absence of heat, and that dark is the absence of light. saying that you cant get any darked than dark, and you cant get any colder than some level of negative Fahrenheit, and so i thought, realisticly, you only get as good as god, and that is the limit, realisticly, so using this mans theory, god is the absence of evil
that was kinda off topic, well still on topic but not my point
i love the idea, that heaven exists. if i felt innocent enough, then i wouldnt feel bad about anything, i would feel great to know, that there is something else out there, after it all. but i just cant grasp it all.
i've met enough people, that have not been gifted with the lord looking over them.
i once spent 2 nights in hospital, because i had an infection. i was in a ward of 6 beds, and 2 of those beds were taken by children, no older than 15, who needed breathing apparatus to stay alive. now one of them, i had the chance to talk too. she was 15, it took her several breaths to complete a sentence, and it was a tear jerking moment. she told me, that she had been needing a breathing apparatus since she was 11. one day, without warning, her lungs had failed, and i cant remember all the details, but she hadnt lived a normal life since. now, some might say, that the miracle would be when she get better, for surely, if she has survive 4 years, then even that is a miracle, but simply, where was god looking over her, when it all started, she doesnt get to finish her child hood, she doesn't get to begin her teen years normal, she misses on having 4 birthday parties. she needed a nurse to bathe her. and she was 15. hardly a year younger than most of us. simply, i wonder, who would allow this to happen. she cant even say, 'atleast i got my health'. as much as a miracle might have happened to her, when will she get those past 4 years back.
so i wonder, in my heart of hearts, whether there is a all mightiful being out there. i would wish, that he/she would take the time to maybe show a little bit more that he cared, maybe. i would hope that in all this there was something, but honestly, i don't think it cares about us.
so, in spite of all that, i will still be a good person. not for the sake of anyone, not for the points of going to so called heaven. i want to be the good in this sin filled world.
let me know what you think. these are my many contradicting opinions on 'god', they all from what i know, and what i have seen. cut down on them as you may, prove to me with stylish words that i am wrong. try as you may to make me believe, or try to change my opinion that god isn't all its cracked up to be.
just remember, you didnt see what had happened to the other kid with the breathing machine.