Friday, October 24, 2008

Its Uncanny To Feel So Lonely Around So Many People

Ok, so today, i went through something odd. The simple thing that happened, was i got banned from the music department.
Its not a big deal, realistically, but it did leave me in quite a situation. Only McGlasses, McDrums, McBass and McTall, could really make me feel better about it.
Now my expectation on McTall have steadily been drooping, and i did not believe that i could have supressed my inner loneliness with him. i need to talk to him, but i never do, gahness. McTall is complicating, and innocent and confusing, and i like that, but i need to know more, mm. off topic.

ok, let me just explain my emotions and all that.

ok, so i can imagine something here. inside that simple music department, there must have been some great funs, the greatest, ones that could not be risked. 40 minutes of pure excitement and enthralling joys, i can imagine, because thats what i love about that place. i can imagine how brilliant it must have been, how amazing it must have been, because it must have been so brilliant, that to contemplate leaving it, was ridiculous thoughts.
i mean, because to spend less than 40 minutes outside with just me, is absurd. i mean, the fun, is truely amazing.
but i am not recentful of the amount of fun that was had, because i can imagine it all, and that is enough for me.

for a few moments, say 10 15 maybe 20 minuutes, i had McGlasses and her friend with me, that was good. i tried to keep her with me aslog as i could, but the calling of the fun was too powerful, and so steadily that one was taken from me too. i was promised by McGlasses that people would come to spend time with me, and i trusted that promise.

now i have lived my times as a lonely person, i have dealt with the singular notions and the pondering hours of boredom and nauseating repetitive motions of just being by yourself. i have done that, i have lived it, and luckily for me, i have got by it, and found companions, hooray.

but today, while pssing boredom with snake 2 extreme, until eventually i wasnt playing to pass bored, but to distract myself from the hopelessness of the lonely. i got the cold chill of it again. it may have just be a small hint of it, but it was enough. to feel again, what it was like, to be forgot, left out, and all the most elaborate of feelings, coming back for those few moments, it was terrible.

every person that came out of that door, i had wished was my uncanny's, anyone, even just one, someone. but everytime, all i saw, was an unrecognizable year 8, or wrinkled teacher. each time my hope would rise, and deplete.

now, as much as i may be sounding un fair, it wasnt any of your fault that i was not aloud back in, and you were having such an amazing time inside. youm all must realise by now, that if it had been you sitting out there, you would have not spent a moment with your hope depleteing, and you would have not spent a single second of your banishment hopeinf so dearly to return. because you would have atleast had me. i would have stuck by you, no matter how much fun would have been had inside. you know that, deep down, you know that i would be the one to do that, even if no one else would.
so i wonder, why, when you know i would be the one to do it for you, could no one return the favour, no one. why would anyone consider leaving someone alone like that.

i could have easily have found somewhere else. but i had hoped that i wouldnt have needed to. surely the people who i treat so well, and who i have trusted to be there for me, and i so honestly am for them. i had trusted that they would be there for me in my time of desperation and need. so why was it, that i was left alone.

i have always treated people as i wish to be treated. but why does it never get returned.

i am sorry, if in anyway i have been unfair, but this is how it felt. honestly it felt like, to spend all your time enjoying the fun, that you could do anytime, was more worth it, than just spending a few measly minutes to stop me from feeling so alone.And as much as it may have just been a hit of loneliness, it hurt.

i have heard your apologises and it means alot to me
but it would have meant alot more to me, if someone had just been there.


  1. awwwww sam :(
    i can't really say anything because 'm not one of those of your friends you are talking about, and i didn't know the situation until after. but, i know the feeling. and it sucks. all i can say is, even the best of friends, make mistakes sometimes. and i'm sure they feel really bad about it.. :(

  2. =(
    this maketh kate sad
    no-one should feel so alone
    its hurts to even think of it
    and you
    i love you