A Summary Of Secondary Burns

Uncertainty Is Freedom.

Chaos Is Escape.

Random Is Life.


Change, is an option taken lightly. Satisfaction in the change, is a feeling left stagnant.

I need a vice of some kind. A specific rock to hold me still. Just occasionally I need some substance. When it's out of my control, its not freedom.

My thoughts are a little bit lost.

Love Love xx

Its Ok Peanut, Your Marbles Will Turn Up Somewhere

So Hi everyone

I am back from my Victorian Adventures.

I have stories and revelations, that I will one day elaborate on, but for now I feel like rambling.

Its hot, as most can tell. Too hot, if you ask me.

I have started to only drink water and fruit drinks, nothing fizzy. I have been eating more fruit, and having a consistant breakfast.

I am consciously looking forward to school, just to see how things are and stuff, because I haven't been there for so long, its starting to feel quite ominous of a place. (I don't think that is proper English, but oh well.)

I drew some pretty pictures while I was away, I shall need to find a way to show you people, for at the moment my pretty pictures are pinned to my bedroom door. They are strategically random, and just odd, and aren't necessarily built out of skill, but just my minds escape from thinking logically I guess.

I wish to meet new people, if there be any. New people interest me. Anything new kind of has a parallel to change. Like change is making things newer, to an extent, so new people generate a loving change. I find new people to be a special sort, because they hold no basis to judge people, to begin with, and I like that.

I think that's what I like about them, there is probably something else or other things that make me feel this way. most probably.

I have decided I should try a bit darker, before i work for lighter. As in my hair. Plus, I don't quite feel confident enough to go for straight out Blond Ambition, lol. I need to feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, before i start changing it about too much.

My goal is to be drastically thinner by mid term 3. Some might call me crazy, and most would guess I won't be able to do it, and of course one of those people would be me. But that's my goal.

My other goal is to get a lot of A's. Most especially in Specialist Maths. That reminds me, I apparently have a test on Wednesday in Specialist, that I know nothing about, so anyone out there who can help me, please let me know what i should know by then, because missing out on the first week is going to be hard enough.

I would also like to know if anyone out there is in my Psychology and/or Classical Studies class, just so that I can get the heads up, so that the teachers don't initially take a disliking to me, :). It would be much appreciated if someone could please help me just to get me going.

Ah, well until I am back again.

Love Love xx

Considering Adventurous Change

I'm thinking I might go blonde. Just for the sake of it. See what I look like. If it looks shittacular, then I shall simply change it to something else.

I want some colourful socks.

I'm considering other things, but they seem to be the only ones I feel are worth a mention.

Tell me what you think about the going blonde thing. :P

Love Love xx

Tyre Yard

Its a mess right here. In this Tyre Yard of fun. It may be wise to stay optimistic, but it sure ain't easy. Its harder to feel comfortable in my own skin, when I continuously questions whats there beneath it all. Even more so, when I consider that I can't look in the mirror without assuming its lying.

How unnecessary of me to talk about myself. I honestly don't feel it is right of me.

I consider Diabetes, a reliable option. On my quest to feeling healthy and feeling better about the way I look. That's quite terrible. People live with it everyday, and wish to live without it, and I am to god damn lazy to just work it out myself.

Gah.

The idea is simple enough. With Diabetes you are put on a strict diet and stuff, and I would inevitably frighten myself into the cause, and so therefore, loose weight and become healthier and all that.

Adventure would be nice. An escape. A long distant voyage. Not like a holiday, like the one I am going on tomorrow. But rather, an un-designed chaotic life changing problem solving expedition to find ones self in whatever landscape or terrain in whatever world or country with whatever people and eventually come home, to feel better about yourself, and all those around you.

That sounds truly appetizing. Certainly would be worth it, I reckon.

I wouldn't mind some change. As I keep mentioning, because tis whats on my mind.

I would like to hear what people think about me going blonde, LOL. My theory is that I could try it, and if it simply don't work out, then I can simply put in a different colour and we can move on with our lives. I am also considering a different shape to my hair, and making it shorter and stuff.

I also want new clothes and a complete change.

Wow, I am just continously going on about what I want and all that. I'm not necessarily expecting anything to happen, but rather I wouldn't mind considering that maybe things might be able to find its way to turn out like that, you know.

I also have a rather looming creative buzz these days and like, I duno, I need to do something that makes me feel overly proud and can really express the things I wish to show off.

I am fat. I can see myself in my reflection in my window, OMG. Gah. I;m sitting here and my profile just shows this belly formed by me slouching in my seat so, and it just looks terrible. I've sat up to take a different look, but still, right there, is my belly popping out from just under my unnecessary man boobs. This shirt is not flattering at all, :P. My behind is rather huge as well.

I've looked down to see my thighs peering from underneath the the desk. That's what a call some bullshit. Holy.

I'm going to stop complaining. It is most obviously my own fault that I have turned out like this. I aint going to make excused for myself, becuase there isn't any worthwhile ones. Boredom eating, and lack of conscious exercise.

I'm back in my slouching position, its more comfortable that way. There it is again, my belly. I look pregnant. My quintuplets. I have a sad look on my face.

I could vow to trying all I can to working to loosing weight and making myself healthier, but I know deep down that isn't going to last, not on will power alone.

Starving myself. Diabetes. Dieting. Exercising more. All simple choices and/or options, that just seem to lead to failure.

My insides are pale, and my outside is covered in fat.

But I am genuinly happy with life, for the most part.

Love Love xx

P.S. Blonde?

Morbid Fascination With The Way You Stare

I feel pale.

I know that isn't a realistic emotion, but that's the only way to describe my head at the moment.

Change.!

I wish to open up new things in my life, to grant the opportunity for change. Some changes externally and internally, publicly and privately, short term and long term, and all of the above.

I also am having a hard time to look in the mirror.

Diabetes is my irrational answer.

Love Love xx

Apeirophobia

Infinity. That's a long time. I wonder how it is possible to be remembered for Infinity.

Its too long. Too much time.

Matter exists for Infinity. We are just inhabiting it.

Tragic.

Love Love xx

Agateophobia

I don't want to think that I am just insane.

It would be easier if I could just turn around and say I was.

But I just don't want to consider that I could be.

Love Love xx

Siderophobia

I hate the fact that adults keep asking what I want to do when I finish school.
Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't really sat down and thought about it.
Many options have come about, but none I wish to commit to.

I don't like thinking too far into the future.

I like living in the present.

Love Love xx

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

Adventure. Is my new agenda.

I have always thought it would be cool to start your own religion. I would never wish to start some religion with an almighty being and such, just a simple philosophy of life.

I once discussed this with Nathan, my idea of a religion where people go of on an adventure, or just live there life, and then they come back and just write down what they have learned or seen.

I duno, it needs fine tuning and such, but i reckon it would be an interesting concept.

Haha, I just randomly thought about it and decided to mention it.

Love Love xx

Novelty Hats

I am confused. Mainly because all points have become void because all other points are contradictory to the previous points and therefore nothing can be verified yet everything is certain.

I apologies for anything I may have said, that could have been misinterpreted, to be something offensive, rude, arrogant or self righteous.

I am none of the above, in all honesty.

This is not because I am not able to defend myself, it it because it isn't worth it.

Love Love xx

Shoddies The Top Hat

We can all play the name blame game, until the sun shines out our arse. But I am sick of the people that don't read the whole message.

Simply, my bout of sarcasm, was not directed at anyone in particular. I was angry, I have the right to vent, I have made a lot of effort, with a lot of different people, so that I get that right. If anyone seems to have taken it personally that is not my issue, id that have so much built up guilt that they feel the need to have to defend themselves towards something that wasn't even slightly thought out to be at them, then I guess they need to start talking to the right people.

I am not perfect, I have never tried to be, so that's why it will never look like I am, because I don't care for being perfect, I just am simply trying to be me. Peoples tattles and remarks, to stuff they haven't thought to ask about, to verify. Is starting to get petty.

I do what I do for the people that need it, but when people blatantly disregard all sense of humanity, just to display a new form of pure unscripted anger, I start to feel a bit disorientated with the amount of bullshit people start to say, just to make another person feel lower.

To make assumptions of a person, without due respect to admitting that you might not be speaking truths, and to try and convince that person of your own decisions on that persons being. You start to enter a point at which you are just getting sad. I ignore every retaliation, so that one day I can turn around and just say, 'I knew you were always a good person'.

So for now, I simply say, Fuck You.

Love Love xx

Ofcourse I Love The Molestation Of Children

I love the kind of people that forget your name as soon as you meet them. You know theirs, you've took it in, and you'll probably still remember their name 17 years from then, but they can't even do the decent thing of remembering your name. I love those people.

I love the girls that enter my house, trample all over my sister, shit on her face, tell her who she needs to be, and still gets treated like a member of the family. Not by the family of course, but by my sister herself. Who lets this 'girl' back into her circle, back into our home and back into her life. I just adore those people.

I love the people that will announce to the world how grateful they are to their latest internet friend, who they have never met, but have never thought of saying thank you for the times their friend was standing in the rain as they were high on prescription drugs. I'm getting more precise, but these people I wish hated me.

I love the people, who will judge and judge and judge other people, but hate the fact that society does that to them. The people that all the time question why people have to be like that, but do it themselves. I know who they are, and I know I am writing my own will here, but I do so love those people.

I love the people who don't take the time to learn the colours of a story, but only take the black and white. I love the fact that by them saying there taking some of the grey, that think that's going to make it all better. I love the people who don't care enough to just be fair.

I love everyone. But I hate them enough to care.

Love Love xx

Stop Watching Your Feet

Have you ever considered how often you can be walking down a street and not notice what is going on around you. You may register that 'stuff' is going on, but you don't take in what is happening, what the world is doing. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the points we try to make to people, are in hope that they are paying enough attention to the rest of the world, to take in what you have to say and understand clearly enough, that in the end they will some how feel more connected with everything than they might have felt before. Yet, as a society we spend most of our time walking passed all the people we wish noticed us, or we wished had an innate understanding of who were are, in a hope that they won't judge us. In the processes of not registering what our neighbours are doing, we become hypocrites to our own forthcoming's.

I don't know if I quite made as much sense as I had hoped. I just honestly feel, like as a society we expect one thing, but do the opposite. We want to be noticed for our talents and praised for our achievements, but when it comes down to the crunch, we aren't willing to just give people the time they deserve. Then we stop and wonder why people don't care enough, and its just karma biting us in the ass. We can all sit here and believe that we have never done such a thing, but if we take a short glance into our past we will find times when we were more preoccupied with our own dilemma's and problems, to take the time to just give someone a hug or just tell someone we care.

I think I've lost the plot here. Simply, the human race just needs to know how to treat each other better. If we can do that, then inevitably people will start to feel better. Of course I am pleading to only hope right now that a world like that could exist, but none the less, I shall try to start the ball rolling by doing my own part.

For now, I shall ignore all tripes and snipes, and just treat people the way I hope to be treated, in a effort to try and get people to just be nicer. I shall not dwell on peoples pasts, only reflect on who they are right now. To ask for equality, we must first believe that everyone is equal.

Love Love xx

I Find Peace In Momentary Sunsets

I paused for a little bit. Let everything else live by. No one allows me to just stayed paused. Forced to play again.

That's obvious.

MM, videos are odd. Funny, soundless.

Feel lonely only because i have placed expectation to have someone there to help. Drown out the need, drown out the necessity, drown out the pain.

I loves me a musical.

I've lost my flow. Take a rain check, honey.

Love Love xx

Tastes Like Fermented Vinegar And Honey

My family is back from Pt. Hughes. Yay for them. Disturbed my peaceful time sitting at home doing nothing, but yet it is nice to see them since it turned to the new year. I didn't see my family all yesterday, so it seems the year shall begin, hinting that i wont spend a lot of it with my family. I guess less than I did last year.

Oooh, we have to say 'last year' now when we talk about things from, well, last year. Lol.

I have become ore connected to the music I condem myself to. I like interesting sounds and singers. Scarlett Johanssons sound is just so odd and interesting and I love it, and Tracy Chapman is not a man, she just has an amazingly deep voice. Jeff Buckley is another favourite of mine these days. Its all thanks to my dear I-pod that I got for Christmas.

Why is it that when my family congregates back after not seeing each other for 4 days, they decide to be snappy, arguementative and rude, throwing every peice of negativity they have left. Why is it that they cannot just sit down and describe the exploits and adventures that they have been living through, so that we can all share a lovely time together. It certainly isn't a great atmosphere to have.

But then again, I guess things might be looking up. A family discussion of our times, all around the dinner table. For some, that might sound boring, or terrible, but honestly I love family dinners. It has been proven that just one family dinner a week can help deal with depression. Ofcourse there comes the possibility that it could end badly, but I'm not going to let that get to me.

Gosh I sound like a douche. I'm spending so much time trying to say what people want me to say, and how they expect me to say it, I now just end up sounding so drab and annoying.

If I'm honest, I'd tell you I spent most of yesterday making friends with randoms from Myspace, finding whores on Habbo Hotel and eating. I spent a good 13 hours on the computer doing shit all, and that in fact it was incredibly boring. But out of it, I have made a nice new friend that I shall go and meet with, and let the mood take us where it needs to go.

Atm, I am still in my PJ's and dressing gown. I am not hungry or thristy, but i havent at or drank anything. I feel dirty, because I haven't showered yet, and I am having cravings for cookie dough.

I am honestly feeling a bit lonely, but thats only because it may not be long until I no longer need to feel like I have no one. I still continously search for something more creative, and am constantly buzzing with imagination.

I love my friends more these days. But this blog is not for them, or you. It is for me, to help me, to make me feel better. As selfish and self centred as that might sound, when I leave this keyboard, when I stop typing, my thoughts with stop going to me and start concerntrating on those around me.

I have rambled on long enough, and now i must go shower.

Love Love xx

Goodbye The Times

I hope this new year brings so much more memories and good times.

I love you all.

xx