Its a mess right here. In this Tyre Yard of fun. It may be wise to stay optimistic, but it sure ain't easy. Its harder to feel comfortable in my own skin, when I continuously questions whats there beneath it all. Even more so, when I consider that I can't look in the mirror without assuming its lying.
How unnecessary of me to talk about myself. I honestly don't feel it is right of me.
I consider Diabetes, a reliable option. On my quest to feeling healthy and feeling better about the way I look. That's quite terrible. People live with it everyday, and wish to live without it, and I am to god damn lazy to just work it out myself.
The idea is simple enough. With Diabetes you are put on a strict diet and stuff, and I would inevitably frighten myself into the cause, and so therefore, loose weight and become healthier and all that.
Adventure would be nice. An escape. A long distant voyage. Not like a holiday, like the one I am going on tomorrow. But rather, an un-designed chaotic life changing problem solving expedition to find ones self in whatever landscape or terrain in whatever world or country with whatever people and eventually come home, to feel better about yourself, and all those around you.
That sounds truly appetizing. Certainly would be worth it, I reckon.
I wouldn't mind some change. As I keep mentioning, because tis whats on my mind.
I would like to hear what people think about me going blonde, LOL. My theory is that I could try it, and if it simply don't work out, then I can simply put in a different colour and we can move on with our lives. I am also considering a different shape to my hair, and making it shorter and stuff.
I also want new clothes and a complete change.
Wow, I am just continously going on about what I want and all that. I'm not necessarily expecting anything to happen, but rather I wouldn't mind considering that maybe things might be able to find its way to turn out like that, you know.
I also have a rather looming creative buzz these days and like, I duno, I need to do something that makes me feel overly proud and can really express the things I wish to show off.
I am fat. I can see myself in my reflection in my window, OMG. Gah. I;m sitting here and my profile just shows this belly formed by me slouching in my seat so, and it just looks terrible. I've sat up to take a different look, but still, right there, is my belly popping out from just under my unnecessary man boobs. This shirt is not flattering at all, :P. My behind is rather huge as well.
I've looked down to see my thighs peering from underneath the the desk. That's what a call some bullshit. Holy.
I'm going to stop complaining. It is most obviously my own fault that I have turned out like this. I aint going to make excused for myself, becuase there isn't any worthwhile ones. Boredom eating, and lack of conscious exercise.
I'm back in my slouching position, its more comfortable that way. There it is again, my belly. I look pregnant. My quintuplets. I have a sad look on my face.
I could vow to trying all I can to working to loosing weight and making myself healthier, but I know deep down that isn't going to last, not on will power alone.
Starving myself. Diabetes. Dieting. Exercising more. All simple choices and/or options, that just seem to lead to failure.
My insides are pale, and my outside is covered in fat.
But I am genuinly happy with life, for the most part.
Love Love xx