I feel completely drained.
its the best word to describe things at the moment. i feel drained of all my emotions, like they have been sucked out of me, and so all i am is some hollow emotionless shell. i feel all my energy has been taken out of me, leaving me to be a motionless hollow shell. i feel like all that is going on around me is just an illusion, and that who i am and how i am acting is just the shell being puppeted about.
i can hear the steady rants of my mother, shouting at my snot nosed sister as she cries her eyes out, just to get away with her selfish ways. i feel a steady sense of betrayal from people i love so dearly, after being explained so well, a situation i could see right in front of me. i have a dreaded feeling of impossibility as i have my strongest desire to not see wounded cubs be stamped on.
at the moment, i feel rather use less and help less. i feel like all that i put into things, just get spat back in my face, and that if i start to care too much, all that happens is it dies in front of me.
i regret every honest piece of harsh words, or anything ungrateful, arrogant or spiteful i have ever said to anyone. i wish that i had never been heartless, and that my confidence had never got the better of me. but now i feel like i am forgetting who i am.
the strange and unwanted confusion of waking up, living a day, and going to bed, not at all living how you think you should, or making the choices and thinking the thought processes, that you yourself cant understand. i find it odd and unsatisfying to know that i am not being myself these days.
but i just feel so drained. i feel so out of it, and strange. i am a stranger in my own head. i am the pedestrian amongst the traffic.
shoulders are held there for mere seconds, not long enough for me to rest on. ears are waiting for only what they wish to hear. everyday i feel a struggle to understand myself, and to then describe, scratch away at the memories. signs are shown that there is limited reception, and so no one really wishes to know.
i wish that i could just help myself and pick up my own feet and carry myself to the place where i am myself again. i hate asking for help.