Judge ME, Not US.

My latest topic of thought, has been that of Loneliness. Yep. It's one of those feelings, that I have experienced enough of in my 16 years.

Oh wow, I'm 16. When did that happen.

Anyways. Yeh. Loneliness.

In all its forms. In all its glory (cliche, gah).

I'm losing my flow of this post. I think its because I am also looking through a collection of photos, from what must have been a very incoherent party, with a lot of mistakes and sex. Wow, the expectations of drink and drugs. Why would that be the way people wish to spend there time together. Throwing up and falling over. Whoopi, sign me up for the train wreck to burger boy and check out chick.

Is that what we have to do. Whore our selves out to conformity, and enjoy nights of superficial stupidity and narcotic epilepsy, just so we can feel like we are apart of something. I'd prefer a life with 27 cats, than one where I need to look like salvos just blow up on me and I am constantly after dick.

Sorry, but vulgarity seems necessary, because it seems like the world is constantly just trying to push there agendas on you, and the only way to finalize that bit of rebellion was to lay it out plain and simple. I understand that it is in our nature to try and make everyone the same. Face it, we like it much better when we can organize things, and we would much prefer it if everyone just fitted into the same group. That group being people who are exactly like us.

So then we come across Social Stereotypes, my greatest pet hate. I know it is cliche of me to say, what many gay man before has said, but I hate Labels, Stereotypes and Categorized Opinions (and also the way my spell check keeps telling em to put 'z' instead of 's'). The sad thing is, we strive as a race on the up keeping of stereotypes. Comedy wouldn't survive without them. But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Oh, what am I kidding. Of course people are still going to keep judging others on there perceptions of what they think a person is meant to be like, defined by what group, race, orientation, up bringing, religion, sex, age, style, education, wealth, opinion and appearance. It just shits me off. That a persons opinion of someone, might change, because of pieces of information that they didn't previously know.

But anyways, back to Loneliness.

I got a phone call from my grandparents today. I haven't spoke to them in ages, it was really nice. Reminded me of the fact that I still have people out there, that do not see me everyday, but still think of me. Family. They're good people.

I want someone to think about. Someone I can have in my head. Someone I can think about how much they love me. Someone who is not here for me right now. I am not being selfish, I am just pining for the thing that everyone else seems to have. I am surround by people who can look over to someone, and have them gaze back. People who can spend hours on end with just one another looking at each other and talking about how much they love each other.

I was reminded last night, that I have actually been in a fair few relationships. Each of varying lengths. Each with there own memories and mementos. Considering I don't try my best to look desperate enough to be taken pity on, or I don't spend long times pining for specific people to come my way. I guess you could say I have been quite lucky, if you really want to think of it like that, but don't let me remind you, that I am not in those relationships anymore.

Ah, I don't know. I don't feel attractive enough to be putting myself out there, but I don't feel like my personality is that flaw that its not worth trying. I am in a rut. One that is neither enjoyable, nor painful. Just, a rut.

For now, I shall keep experimenting with what I can look like. Like my spectacle/beanie/random shirt ensemble that I put on for youth last night. Also, the blow drying and straightening (although I couldn't see through my fringe, so the beanie was needed) of my hair. Again, I question the notion of dyeing it. I'm no longer entertained by the fact of forcing myself to do it for charity. Plus, by dyeing my hair, I just mean a simple natural colour, not an over the top explosion of shades, tones and acrylic colours.

I believe I could be losing weight, or I could be delusioned and really be getting fatter. Either way I don't care. No, actually I do, but I move on.

Things are looking up.

xx

Small Thought

Oh, its raining. Or someone is hosing my house. No, no, its definitely rain.

I'm home alone right now. Just sitting here, listening to the TV in the background. I can;t handle a quiet home.

Hmm, I want to cry.

and, I don't know why.

xx

The Mirror Is Kinder In The Dark

My day was slow, and lacking in stimulus. LOL, stimulus. Dam Americans and their 'ness' and their spelling.

Anyways.

I successfully asked for help today. It should help, hopefully. That would be the point. But I mean, more than just the help itself, but rather, help make other things more controlled and such. I know what i mean, so its all good.

I'm in a strange mood. I feel as though I have accomplished something, even though people do stuff like this all the time, and don't really get any recognition for it. But I'm not sure if you realize how slack I really am. Also, how stubborn I am about asking for help. It is quite a big moment today.

Yep well, Finger crossed for some success.

xx

All I Wanted To Do Was Make A Sandwhich

I hate people.

People are selfish, spiteful, self centered, greedy, vane, bitches, whores, bastards, fascists, racists, sexists, sadists, controlling, domineering, discriminative, angry, stupid, arrogant, small minded, ignorant, blinkered, spoilt, pathetic, spineless, useless, pointless, full of shit, oblivious, idiots, biased, judgmental, wrong and they don't care.

People and all there shit, can go fuck themselves, I am sick of everyone and there crap.

Those of you with you opinions, that you try to force on to people, try and make sure you know what you are talking about. God, you people piss me off.

Go Fuck A Lemon.

xx

'Am I A Crazy Man, Or A Man At All'

I've been downloading stuff. Music and Movies.

I am now in love with Duffy. YUP. She is cool.

I am also in the midst of watching 'The Spirit', a real cool graphic novel movie thing, like Sin City.

mm.

Yep, people don't care. Self Self Self. Sure, including me. But self all the same.

The ones who didn't care won't care in the end.

Ah well.

So, loneliness. That seems to be a theme that keeps charging at me. I feel very lonely, a lot of the time. Not that I ain't trying, its just the situations that I find myself, with the people I want to be around. Well, nothing no one can do to help, so my issue, I'll live with it.

Stuck up enough for you. Honesty.

Arrogance makes you a saint.

Remember that Shirley.

xx

Justification Is Not Prove That Its Right

People are disappointing me. Yes, disappointing me. Not that they are trying to impress me, its just I had hoped of something more. Or something that doesn't make me angry, or cringe, or just plain pissed.

Guilt Trippers and the Impossible.

People who are so blatantly only thinking of themselves.

There's someone out there, who deserves it so much. Who is punishing themselves. But I say, what gives them the right to be the one to punish. Nothing does. They hurt someone, they should let the universe take control and punish them. But no, self punishment now means that you have all right to blame the other person for the way you feel, even tho it is there own fault. No, you don't get that right. You cheated, you didn't follow the rules, so now you don't get to decide how the rest of the game is played. So let people move on.

Then there are those people, who pile the guilt onto another, just because they are finally moving on. You broke them, so let them be fixed. Even if you aren't the one doing the fixing. Don't try and break them anymore. For crying out loud, you have lost your chance, and its know ones fault but your own. Don't make it there fault, its your fault. So move on, as you aren't letting them too. You want to be friends, then start acting like one. Or atleast stop making excuses for your own faults.

Then, you arrogant pricks out there, who just don't care, period.

Also, the ignorant bastards who can't look past there own nose, you people make me want to knock down old ladies and punch babies in the face. Good god.

GAH.

People piss me off. Because they are so utterly in the wrong, but can't see it.

There are also those people out there, who are right to feel the way they feel, and right to say what they have to say, but are still talking out there arse. Feeding us a line of bullshit, just to justifiy there own indiscretions. The people, who will explain, with all there being the feeling and emotions that goes into doing something so terrible. The people who will believe that everything they are doing is fine. Or they will know that it isn't and still go on and try to rationalise something that would disgust most.

I also feel very disrespected by those who can't just be honest. The people who will make up some outrageous lie, just to 'save you from feeling hurt'. People who feed you some crap, just to save there own conscience from feeling the guilt. What I hate more than someone who can't just be honest, is a very bad liar. I just hate it, be straight with me. The bullshit just makes me angry and upset. So honesty please.

Gah.

Ok, so I have had a rant. People are pissing me off, and so I thought I would just get it all off my chest. Some of this doesn't have any real connection to me, but its just the way people areand how I feel about it, and I thought it was worth mentioning. Most is not about anyone in particular, infact I never had any single person in mind throughout each portion.

But yeh. There are people I still love dearly. But tonight, I felt like getting rid of some anger.

Love Love xx

Attatched To A Mad Mans Wallet

I am good. Trailing along.

I duno, I felt like blogging, but I never have anything I feel like saying.

Probably is a good thing, means either things are getting better, or I am becoming better at expressing whats wrong, or such. Either works.

I am very tired.

wow, myspace is weird.

I need some nice new music to listen to. Something relaxing and sweet and stuff.

hhmm.

Sometimes I really hate people.

The people who are talking out there arse. Good god, they annoy the crap out of me. Those selfish people, with all the answers. Gah. Guilt trippers. I hate, guilt trippers. They take the cake for annoying me. Using other peoples good sides against them. How low do you need to go. Or even, those people who push the blame onto somebody else. they rightly piss me off.

I am not that angry, but i am tired and irritable. Plus, there are certain things that can get me rallied up.

I had a real point that I actually was trying to reach, but I can't remember what that was. or do i. .. No, I really can't.

I think i would like some universal happiness. No selling of children for the sex industry. No penniless baggars starving in the middle of cities. No backyard human butcher shops. No alcoholic dad, slapping up his wife, infront of his kids. Gah.

I want to be a superhero. That would be fun. To an extent. Otherwise, it would be very up lifting, to have done something good.

I could ramble some more. But I am tired.

Love Love xx

Licorice Batteries

I don't fit in with everyone, so I have found new ones to fit in with.

Mmmm.

I'm unsure of whether I should be happy, or upset.

Ah, well. I will just have to try again.

:(

Love Love xx

The Pursuit

I haven't blogged for a while. Well, its felt like a while. But I don't have much to say, or much I feel I need to talk to myself about.

I feel happy, and comfortable with everything.

So yeh.

If anyone wants someone to talk to, give me a bell.

It could only make me happier, atm.

Love Love xx

Pre-Pubescent Cleavage Shots

My sister is growing up. Fast.

I hope she listened to what me and my mum had to say.

I hope she didn't take it badly, or like we were ganging up on her.

I do love her.

Love Love xx

We Would Love You If You Were Gay, Blind or Retarded, But You're Not.

I surround myself with fake emotions. No, not fake. 'Fakely generated' emotions. By this I mean, the emotions generated by TV and Movies.

I treat myself as a character. Keeping in emotions until there comes a time when it can be used for a climactic event, or otherwise over MSN, but more often than not, I am waiting.

Still waiting in fact. I am a terrible person, for setting expectation or standards, that I shall for fill but no one else will. Mainly because they don't realize that I have been trying to display the standard or expectation that I have set everyone and myself.

Usually I take things too, to heart. So I set the standard, and then expect everyone else to just understand and follow. But when people don't, I take it as them purposely out to get me. So sometimes, just sometimes, I get overly paranoid by everyone.

That has actually only happened a few times. The whole, forming standards and no one really following, because they don't realize it has been set, and so then me in my own mind believing that no one cares and such and that no one cares for my opinon and everyone just is out to try and put me down.

This wasn't really my point, but eh.

Love Love xx

P.S. My post name, is a Family Guy quote, that I laughed at, for its subtle message. It was directed at Meg, if that clears things up. :P

Me and My Pimplets.

I think this suit looks quite amazingly cool. Of course, it is a pimp's suit. But as me and Kristen discussed, I am a pimp, and I have my little Pimplets. :P.

Anyways, moving on.

I have, what I am dubbing a 'Glanced Crush', on a little kid. A glanced crush, meaning, I know the person through other people. Have never had a proper conversation with that person, and as of yet, don't actually know anything of much value of this person. Also, its not quite a little kid, but rather a younger kid, a younger version of an older kid, you might say.

I often Glance Crush. I consider a person as an option, and allow the thought to mingle in my mind for a while, then I will smoothly move on to someone else. It affects no one. Therefore, I continue this trend. Until, the glance becomes a stare, or otherwise is completely forgotten.

A companion. That's what I reckon I need. More of a companion. A 3 hour texting buddy. Long winded MSN conversations that drag on for days. Unlike, what I keep getting now.

I am still working on my Slimming. Thanks to a dear friend. But I have been finding it harder than I expected, and actually expectantly indulged. I shall explain to my helper tomorrow, and see if there is anything that can be done to help.

'Strength comes from those who are willing to admit they need help.'

A white suit would be awesome. Like with black stripes. A bit thicker than pin stripes. That's what I would love to wear to formal, something like that. It would be fun to dress up so oddly. In something I like.

'You could have a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye but only a true best friend knows you're about to cry'

That was the little under message thing on my 'little year 9 friend' Holly's MSN name. I thought it was sweet, and incredibly true. But also very hard to follow as s standard. As my experience tells, most people would adore to feel like another person can tell exactly when another is upset, but it generally just plays out, that they need to be told, or otherwise never know. That's some of my experiences on that. But I still find it sweet.

I think I may have changed the mood of this blog. Moving on. Oh, I don't think I have anything I feel I need to add.

Love Love xx

Carnival of Peace

All we have is hope.

Maybe one day we will al stop killing each other.

We will stop torturing little children.

We will try to help.

At the moment, all we have is the hope, that the human spirit will be strong enough.

Love Love xx

!?!

It's OK.

I Care.

Love Love xx

The Super Golden Spoon

Lets consider this.

You are hurt in some way. In pain. Somethings up, and you have no one to talk to.

I want you to consider, who do you want to talk to. Who is the person you want to talk to. Who is the person you need.

Right.

Now, you don't have that person. You don't have your second choice, or even you somewhat unreliable third choice. So what do you do.

Most people would say, well I would just ask for anyone's help by then.

But would you, would you really.

On most accounts, once they got passed there list of options, that usually doesn't stretch realistically that long, most people give up, and no longer mention it again, or hold it in til the moment comes when they can tell their first.

If people realistically just wanted the comfort of anybody, then they would be open enough to tell the first person that honestly cares, most especially if it was a person who was none of there choices. There is always this person, who is never asked upon or considered. But sticks around just to make someone smile.

That person, I call the consolation prize.

The person, who throughout all that goes on, will be there when no one else will. But isn't the person you want. You've been gunning for gold, but your stuck with a wooden spoon.

Now this person, does all the right things. Is there at crucial moments. Comforts. Holds. Listens. Actually cares. But in the end, the point of this person is to simply just console, for that short amount of time that this person is necessary. So this person gets thrown away. Traded back in for that initial prize of gold, or maybe even just a prettier spoon.

Those of you out there, know exactly who these consolation prizes are, and they probably know that they are one as well. Its just the way the system works as all.

Maybe you will notice it more now.

Love Love xx

Joker Beats Ace

'Satire Is A Lesson, Parody Is A Game'

I have officially applied for my Citizenship. YAY. Just waiting for a letter from Canberra to make it all official and stuff, because I successfully answered the 2 questions I needed to for my Interview. They will tell me when I am doing my ceremony and all that, which will be cool, I would like people to come and see.

My parents passed the test thing. My dad got 19/20 and my mum got 17/20. It was all pretty simple stuff, but a lot of it, I would be surprised if many Australians knew about it. :P

On the other side of things, one of our close English families is being deported. Its quite tragic really. They have been living here for 3 years, and gained new lives here, and they got declined for there visa, and so now have to go back to England. I could explain in more detail, but its not really my place to discuss.

To all of us, it doesn't really make much sense, and my mum is especially quite saddened by the whole thing.

Well, I don't know quite how to connect what I really wanted to talk about, with the rest of this post, so I am going to leave it here.

Love Love xx

In Print

A smile maybe a smile in the day time, but when I come home, all I remember is the secret tears that were hidden behind it.

I need help.

and thank you.

I need someone to listen to me.

To want to listen to everything and anything I NEED to talk about.

Because, right now I am losing my mind. I feel alone. I hopelessly hold on to whatever I have left.

Someone please just sit down with me.

Love Love xx

My Silent Musical

I'm singing to myself.

I've been snacking. I can't properly starve myself, can I. Good god, I don't know whats going on anymore.

So I am now sitting hear, singing to myself, because now one hear to listen.

I am singing about more, than you might ever understand.

But no one, wants to hear my song.

So I, am singing to myself. All about my situations and my soul.

I don't need another person, to not even come up and say its OK. I just need someone, to listen to my dismay.

I could cry, if I could only.

I just hope someone is listening to me now.

Love Love xx

I Wanted That Grammy

I like being by myself sometimes. It's relaxing and gentle. It helps me to just, I don't know, simplify.

It just never lasts.

So, I am now not relaxed and gentle, or feel that everything is simpler.

I have not eaten properly for the past 2 days.

I think I am losing my mind.

I want someone to just willingly give me a hug.

Love Love xx

Couples Couples Everywhere, But No Where To Park My Car

My god, there is an infestation of couples.

I think cupid is trying to complete his quota before valentines day.

Its just madness.

But it's OK. It's fair enough of people. I understand, and am fine with it.

F&^K S$#T P@$S C%&T

LOL, jokes.

But anyways.

I am deprived.

Ah well.

Love Love xx

Rich Angels

I just watched 'The Secret Millionaire', a TV show, on the lifestyle channel, OMG, it is the most emotionally driven show ever.

The basic idea fo the show, is that these rich British millionaires. Enter themselves into the slums of Britain, learn all about the people and there struggles. Then after spending 10 days looking at all the charitable stuff all these everyday people are trying to do. The millionaire gives them a large amount of money to help them out some more.

My god, it was just the most brilliant thing I have ever seen.

I cried. To an extent.

It was just something really nice and uplifting to watch. By the end, you just want to cry and hug everyone you know. I don't know, I just enjoyed it.

Love Love xx

Ninety Nine Red Baloons

Anarchism.

So, I am not satisfied with myself. Neither with anything that is around me. Unimpressive. Cellophane.

I lost my flow, and my point.

I am unsure of everything.

Love Love xx

Its Not Love, If No One Cares

They say, that your first love, sets the bar for all your proceeding loves. That what happens first, controls what happens next.

Considering that. This is where my concern lies.

I feel no more attraction to love. That is not what I desire. Not love. But, I desire a relationship. Some form of relationship. One between 2 people, but not necessarily 'love'.

Now, some may not understand. The rest.

I was in a relationship, one that some may not know about. But one that lasted its time. One that set some different boundaries on what is necessary in a relationship. Simply, this relationship worked its way to new levels of interaction.

Now, I shall never openly admit to loving, but a rather overly strong connection, was met. A standard was also met. The standard, that when we were alone, we get close, very close.

Since that relationship has ended, in its ways, there is only one thing I miss. Not the person. Not the personality. Not the funny stories. Not the time spent listening to music. But rather the moments where we got as close as could be.

I am angry with myself. I feel terrible. Its terrible. The feeling, that that feeling, is what I want back.

That now, when I try to find myself a new relationship, that is the bit I am searching for. That is the piece that I desire from them. That is MY standard.

A void of innocence has been ripped from me.

What can I do? I don't want to be that kind of person. I am not that kind of person.

I know who has done this to me. Maybe they can help. Haven't seen them since before we broke up.

I need help.

Love Love xx

May Rainbows Fill Your Dreams.

Its Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I knew that. I witnessed that. I allowed it to happen.

I became a wolf in sheep clothing. Introducing a need to change. That someone needed to become something they weren't. For the sake of others.

Not who I should of been. For the sake of others. I was not what I wanted.

Not fair. Not right. Not deserved. Not how it should have been handled.

I am sorry.

I KNOW it is hard. I KNOW, how hard it is. How utterly difficult it is. The pain. The mask. The extra tortures that can be added to the mix. The loss. The feeling that the hurt will last an eternity. The next day. That day. Each day.

I KNOW that things will be different. Harder. Lonelier. I KNOW that for now, you may be confused and lost. Hold on. Reach out. Be Patient.

Love is not a milestone away.

I wish I had been a better person. I wish I was a better person. I wish I had done what I knew I should of. I wish you the best.

Love Love xx

Blank Postcard

I am not naive to the world. I understand more than people may give me credit for. I am never oblivious to myself, or those close to me. I know what is wrong and why.

Looking at myself has got easier. Smiling is simpler. School work is getting more than satisfactory. Hunger pains are a welcomed acceptance.

But.

My parents can't afford to keep our house running. Dishwasher, broken. Fridge, broken. White ants, eating out bathroom. Pool, breaking. Light bulbs, keep burning out. Electricity, doesn't go to all the house. Debt, building up. Dad, stressed to boiling point. Mum, hating work.

We have each other. We have our health. He love each other. All these things, are just material objects. We could live without them, and still be happy.

Haven't seen my dad smile.

Money for holidays. Money for getting our citizenship. Money for celebrating citizenship. Money for replacing broken stuff. Money for keeping the pool clean. Money for school. Money for clothes. Money for bills. Money for debt. Money for food. Money. Money. Money.

It upsets me. Concerns me. There's nothing I can do. I am useless. Helpless. Hopeless.

In my head, I feel lost.

I need someone to hold my hand. Someone who wants to hold my hand. A hug. A genie. A person to throw hope in my face. Telling the truth. I know the truth, but I need verification. My words are useless if no one believes them.

I am optimistic, but that don't mean I don't need someone telling me that everything will be OK. I am still only human. I am still just a kid. I still love the hugs from my mum. Her giggles and laughs.

Story books find me an escape. Especially ones where you can be lost anywhere. One where you can immerse yourself in a foreign culture. Foreign myths. Foreign adventures.

My vices are gone. So I have relived them. Re-mentioned them. Put them back in my mind. Holding on to memories. Enjoying the feelings all over again. Inviting in the flavors that I have now lost.

My constants are gone.

Love Love xx

Sing A Lullaby

Dancing in my pool and singing to myself. Sing a song about not letting the closest person to you in, in case they don't like what they find.

Save It For The Last Kiss.

Meaning, saving your questions, til you no longer care for what the answers are. Like the last kiss in a relationship. I duno, it sounds better in my head.

I started work on my English oral, I got like the whole section on one of the things that are important to me. I need to work on it to get it just that little bit more emotionally gripping, lol, but yeh. I have my concept for the second thing as well, so all is good.

I think we are all generally quite hypercritical, but I think that's just a part of our nature.

I was wondering the other day, right. You know how traditionally pink is for girls and blue is for boys. I was wondering, if we took a child and didn't introduce him/her to colours and such, and then told him/her to attach specific colours to a specific sex, whether is would still be the same.

I also thought that if we got a young child, and taught them to speak English and taught them letters, but didn't actually allow them to know what the letters looked like. Would they associate the same symbol with the same sounds.

I duno, it was just a thought that came to my head, you know.

I like the Odyssey. I've got very interested in it.

I'm feeling better, cos i am eating better, and exercising.

yay.

Love Love xx

Hi Nathan 2

HAHAHA, yay.

Well you are staring quite intently at my picture, and talking about megans iced coffee, :P

and lady marmalde is on

and woo

so yup

xx

Hi Nathan

Wooo.

Boob.

You have to come over to this side and see the picture i drew in psych.

Bonnie and emily are rapping or something, :P

xx

The Progression of Misinformation!

A different interpretation on something.

Controversial or just a joke.

I want a camcorder, cos I would much prefer to do video blogs, that would be so much cooler. But of course, I would still dabble in the typing.

I am tired.

I am typing the thoughts that come into my head.

Mango Chutney.

Of course I would ....

Yup.

Sexual Feeling.

Interesting-esk.

I want to be nathan evans thin.

LOL, like that would happen.

This person is still talking to me, now this person wants to get in my pants, LOL. HAHA.

Starfish.

Blow Out Me Candles.

Blue.

Confused.

I need to find a point next time.

Love Love xx

Satisfaction.

How odd.

You think you have got someone cracked down, and then they do something different. Like they give you this image of them being subtly sweet and adorable and such, and then they go and do something that I would feel is quite the opposite.

Just goes to show you, you can't truly know a person.

Well, now time to try and get in there pants.

LOL.

Another thing, it's enlightening when an old friend contacts you from beyond the past. LOL. Yay, for it being so snowy in England. Ah, my little Ellie. :)

A new mixture of people. Odd. Lol, Strange.

Love Love xx

Star Jumps In My Pool

That's what I do. Lots and lots of star jumps, as well as swimming and kicking and stuff.

I am proud of myself a little, because I have been eating healthier and stuff, and like, YAY.

I just felt like mentioning this, because i am in that kind of mood

Love Love xx

Kids Of The Korn

Ah, my young'n friends are making me smile.

A collaborative effort from all the little kiddies of my day (not counting the ones that live in my house) have continuously made things better. Consisting of the children between year groups 11 - 9 (No year 8 could make me happy)(That's not quite true but shh).

Ah, its just been little things. Like hunting someone down and traveling around to find someone, so as to be returned with the greatest burst of 'SAM!!' I have ever heard, or meeting a lovely collection of friends on the bus, or spending a delicious time while waiting for a bus and then on the bus, or coming home to find a lovely nice message on a persons myspace.

LOL

I am in a good mood.

Love Love xx

It Takes 2 To Tango, But 17 To Make A 17 Man Crowd!

I need help.

Honestly.

I don't comfort in being honest, because I don't think it will make a difference. For now I am going to move on.

I am imagining that there is a lack in people that read these. Which in someway makes me feel alright because it means I am still just in my own head. But other ways, I duno, I feel maybe just a bit, alone.

I've been out of it for a little while, and everything feels different. People seem odder, situations seem changed and everything just seems to have formed into something else.

I could probably come up with a few simple explanations, the most obvious being that everyone is back at school. But I duno, other things.

Its this little annoying thing in the back of my mind, and its making me uneasy. I'm sure i will eventually forget it, and feel like everything is as normal as ever, but i just kinda want to put it on the record. That things have changed.

Whether obvious or inconspicuous, something else is lurking about.

Well, moving on.

I have had my first failure.

In my bid to become healthy and thin. Coke, M&M's and Pizza. Too much, SO MUCH. I felt guilty and disappointed in myself.

OOO, I just thought of something, Genius, hhhmmm. Nah, wouldn't be as coolas i think it would.

Anyways. I tried to contemplate for it by doing 20 minutes worth of star jumps in my pool and swimming lengths and stuff. (Doing Aerobics in a pool is very good exercise)

But I kept snacking.

I need a large Russian woman following me all the time, who can slap me every time I fall out of line. No, I just need to get more control of myself.

Gah, I hate wittling on about myself. It feels so pompous. I apologise to the last remaining people still reading this. I don't find it fair of me to talk about myself. Especially since no one has asked to know.

I, ofcourse, have no one else to talk about, but you know.

I am a strange person.

Hmm

Love Love xx

P.S. The Staberfoyle Park blog thing, I realised, I am the only year 12 male there, and the only mainstream kid, I think. :)

Poodle Sir

My 100th Post.

Welcome To February The First.

I Loveth My Pool.

I Have School Tomorrow.

Love Love xx

A Summary Of Secondary Burns

Uncertainty Is Freedom.

Chaos Is Escape.

Random Is Life.


Change, is an option taken lightly. Satisfaction in the change, is a feeling left stagnant.

I need a vice of some kind. A specific rock to hold me still. Just occasionally I need some substance. When it's out of my control, its not freedom.

My thoughts are a little bit lost.

Love Love xx

Its Ok Peanut, Your Marbles Will Turn Up Somewhere

So Hi everyone

I am back from my Victorian Adventures.

I have stories and revelations, that I will one day elaborate on, but for now I feel like rambling.

Its hot, as most can tell. Too hot, if you ask me.

I have started to only drink water and fruit drinks, nothing fizzy. I have been eating more fruit, and having a consistant breakfast.

I am consciously looking forward to school, just to see how things are and stuff, because I haven't been there for so long, its starting to feel quite ominous of a place. (I don't think that is proper English, but oh well.)

I drew some pretty pictures while I was away, I shall need to find a way to show you people, for at the moment my pretty pictures are pinned to my bedroom door. They are strategically random, and just odd, and aren't necessarily built out of skill, but just my minds escape from thinking logically I guess.

I wish to meet new people, if there be any. New people interest me. Anything new kind of has a parallel to change. Like change is making things newer, to an extent, so new people generate a loving change. I find new people to be a special sort, because they hold no basis to judge people, to begin with, and I like that.

I think that's what I like about them, there is probably something else or other things that make me feel this way. most probably.

I have decided I should try a bit darker, before i work for lighter. As in my hair. Plus, I don't quite feel confident enough to go for straight out Blond Ambition, lol. I need to feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, before i start changing it about too much.

My goal is to be drastically thinner by mid term 3. Some might call me crazy, and most would guess I won't be able to do it, and of course one of those people would be me. But that's my goal.

My other goal is to get a lot of A's. Most especially in Specialist Maths. That reminds me, I apparently have a test on Wednesday in Specialist, that I know nothing about, so anyone out there who can help me, please let me know what i should know by then, because missing out on the first week is going to be hard enough.

I would also like to know if anyone out there is in my Psychology and/or Classical Studies class, just so that I can get the heads up, so that the teachers don't initially take a disliking to me, :). It would be much appreciated if someone could please help me just to get me going.

Ah, well until I am back again.

Love Love xx

Considering Adventurous Change

I'm thinking I might go blonde. Just for the sake of it. See what I look like. If it looks shittacular, then I shall simply change it to something else.

I want some colourful socks.

I'm considering other things, but they seem to be the only ones I feel are worth a mention.

Tell me what you think about the going blonde thing. :P

Love Love xx

Tyre Yard

Its a mess right here. In this Tyre Yard of fun. It may be wise to stay optimistic, but it sure ain't easy. Its harder to feel comfortable in my own skin, when I continuously questions whats there beneath it all. Even more so, when I consider that I can't look in the mirror without assuming its lying.

How unnecessary of me to talk about myself. I honestly don't feel it is right of me.

I consider Diabetes, a reliable option. On my quest to feeling healthy and feeling better about the way I look. That's quite terrible. People live with it everyday, and wish to live without it, and I am to god damn lazy to just work it out myself.

Gah.

The idea is simple enough. With Diabetes you are put on a strict diet and stuff, and I would inevitably frighten myself into the cause, and so therefore, loose weight and become healthier and all that.

Adventure would be nice. An escape. A long distant voyage. Not like a holiday, like the one I am going on tomorrow. But rather, an un-designed chaotic life changing problem solving expedition to find ones self in whatever landscape or terrain in whatever world or country with whatever people and eventually come home, to feel better about yourself, and all those around you.

That sounds truly appetizing. Certainly would be worth it, I reckon.

I wouldn't mind some change. As I keep mentioning, because tis whats on my mind.

I would like to hear what people think about me going blonde, LOL. My theory is that I could try it, and if it simply don't work out, then I can simply put in a different colour and we can move on with our lives. I am also considering a different shape to my hair, and making it shorter and stuff.

I also want new clothes and a complete change.

Wow, I am just continously going on about what I want and all that. I'm not necessarily expecting anything to happen, but rather I wouldn't mind considering that maybe things might be able to find its way to turn out like that, you know.

I also have a rather looming creative buzz these days and like, I duno, I need to do something that makes me feel overly proud and can really express the things I wish to show off.

I am fat. I can see myself in my reflection in my window, OMG. Gah. I;m sitting here and my profile just shows this belly formed by me slouching in my seat so, and it just looks terrible. I've sat up to take a different look, but still, right there, is my belly popping out from just under my unnecessary man boobs. This shirt is not flattering at all, :P. My behind is rather huge as well.

I've looked down to see my thighs peering from underneath the the desk. That's what a call some bullshit. Holy.

I'm going to stop complaining. It is most obviously my own fault that I have turned out like this. I aint going to make excused for myself, becuase there isn't any worthwhile ones. Boredom eating, and lack of conscious exercise.

I'm back in my slouching position, its more comfortable that way. There it is again, my belly. I look pregnant. My quintuplets. I have a sad look on my face.

I could vow to trying all I can to working to loosing weight and making myself healthier, but I know deep down that isn't going to last, not on will power alone.

Starving myself. Diabetes. Dieting. Exercising more. All simple choices and/or options, that just seem to lead to failure.

My insides are pale, and my outside is covered in fat.

But I am genuinly happy with life, for the most part.

Love Love xx

P.S. Blonde?

Morbid Fascination With The Way You Stare

I feel pale.

I know that isn't a realistic emotion, but that's the only way to describe my head at the moment.

Change.!

I wish to open up new things in my life, to grant the opportunity for change. Some changes externally and internally, publicly and privately, short term and long term, and all of the above.

I also am having a hard time to look in the mirror.

Diabetes is my irrational answer.

Love Love xx

Apeirophobia

Infinity. That's a long time. I wonder how it is possible to be remembered for Infinity.

Its too long. Too much time.

Matter exists for Infinity. We are just inhabiting it.

Tragic.

Love Love xx

Agateophobia

I don't want to think that I am just insane.

It would be easier if I could just turn around and say I was.

But I just don't want to consider that I could be.

Love Love xx

Siderophobia

I hate the fact that adults keep asking what I want to do when I finish school.
Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't really sat down and thought about it.
Many options have come about, but none I wish to commit to.

I don't like thinking too far into the future.

I like living in the present.

Love Love xx

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

Adventure. Is my new agenda.

I have always thought it would be cool to start your own religion. I would never wish to start some religion with an almighty being and such, just a simple philosophy of life.

I once discussed this with Nathan, my idea of a religion where people go of on an adventure, or just live there life, and then they come back and just write down what they have learned or seen.

I duno, it needs fine tuning and such, but i reckon it would be an interesting concept.

Haha, I just randomly thought about it and decided to mention it.

Love Love xx

Novelty Hats

I am confused. Mainly because all points have become void because all other points are contradictory to the previous points and therefore nothing can be verified yet everything is certain.

I apologies for anything I may have said, that could have been misinterpreted, to be something offensive, rude, arrogant or self righteous.

I am none of the above, in all honesty.

This is not because I am not able to defend myself, it it because it isn't worth it.

Love Love xx

Shoddies The Top Hat

We can all play the name blame game, until the sun shines out our arse. But I am sick of the people that don't read the whole message.

Simply, my bout of sarcasm, was not directed at anyone in particular. I was angry, I have the right to vent, I have made a lot of effort, with a lot of different people, so that I get that right. If anyone seems to have taken it personally that is not my issue, id that have so much built up guilt that they feel the need to have to defend themselves towards something that wasn't even slightly thought out to be at them, then I guess they need to start talking to the right people.

I am not perfect, I have never tried to be, so that's why it will never look like I am, because I don't care for being perfect, I just am simply trying to be me. Peoples tattles and remarks, to stuff they haven't thought to ask about, to verify. Is starting to get petty.

I do what I do for the people that need it, but when people blatantly disregard all sense of humanity, just to display a new form of pure unscripted anger, I start to feel a bit disorientated with the amount of bullshit people start to say, just to make another person feel lower.

To make assumptions of a person, without due respect to admitting that you might not be speaking truths, and to try and convince that person of your own decisions on that persons being. You start to enter a point at which you are just getting sad. I ignore every retaliation, so that one day I can turn around and just say, 'I knew you were always a good person'.

So for now, I simply say, Fuck You.

Love Love xx

Ofcourse I Love The Molestation Of Children

I love the kind of people that forget your name as soon as you meet them. You know theirs, you've took it in, and you'll probably still remember their name 17 years from then, but they can't even do the decent thing of remembering your name. I love those people.

I love the girls that enter my house, trample all over my sister, shit on her face, tell her who she needs to be, and still gets treated like a member of the family. Not by the family of course, but by my sister herself. Who lets this 'girl' back into her circle, back into our home and back into her life. I just adore those people.

I love the people that will announce to the world how grateful they are to their latest internet friend, who they have never met, but have never thought of saying thank you for the times their friend was standing in the rain as they were high on prescription drugs. I'm getting more precise, but these people I wish hated me.

I love the people, who will judge and judge and judge other people, but hate the fact that society does that to them. The people that all the time question why people have to be like that, but do it themselves. I know who they are, and I know I am writing my own will here, but I do so love those people.

I love the people who don't take the time to learn the colours of a story, but only take the black and white. I love the fact that by them saying there taking some of the grey, that think that's going to make it all better. I love the people who don't care enough to just be fair.

I love everyone. But I hate them enough to care.

Love Love xx

Stop Watching Your Feet

Have you ever considered how often you can be walking down a street and not notice what is going on around you. You may register that 'stuff' is going on, but you don't take in what is happening, what the world is doing. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the points we try to make to people, are in hope that they are paying enough attention to the rest of the world, to take in what you have to say and understand clearly enough, that in the end they will some how feel more connected with everything than they might have felt before. Yet, as a society we spend most of our time walking passed all the people we wish noticed us, or we wished had an innate understanding of who were are, in a hope that they won't judge us. In the processes of not registering what our neighbours are doing, we become hypocrites to our own forthcoming's.

I don't know if I quite made as much sense as I had hoped. I just honestly feel, like as a society we expect one thing, but do the opposite. We want to be noticed for our talents and praised for our achievements, but when it comes down to the crunch, we aren't willing to just give people the time they deserve. Then we stop and wonder why people don't care enough, and its just karma biting us in the ass. We can all sit here and believe that we have never done such a thing, but if we take a short glance into our past we will find times when we were more preoccupied with our own dilemma's and problems, to take the time to just give someone a hug or just tell someone we care.

I think I've lost the plot here. Simply, the human race just needs to know how to treat each other better. If we can do that, then inevitably people will start to feel better. Of course I am pleading to only hope right now that a world like that could exist, but none the less, I shall try to start the ball rolling by doing my own part.

For now, I shall ignore all tripes and snipes, and just treat people the way I hope to be treated, in a effort to try and get people to just be nicer. I shall not dwell on peoples pasts, only reflect on who they are right now. To ask for equality, we must first believe that everyone is equal.

Love Love xx

I Find Peace In Momentary Sunsets

I paused for a little bit. Let everything else live by. No one allows me to just stayed paused. Forced to play again.

That's obvious.

MM, videos are odd. Funny, soundless.

Feel lonely only because i have placed expectation to have someone there to help. Drown out the need, drown out the necessity, drown out the pain.

I loves me a musical.

I've lost my flow. Take a rain check, honey.

Love Love xx

Tastes Like Fermented Vinegar And Honey

My family is back from Pt. Hughes. Yay for them. Disturbed my peaceful time sitting at home doing nothing, but yet it is nice to see them since it turned to the new year. I didn't see my family all yesterday, so it seems the year shall begin, hinting that i wont spend a lot of it with my family. I guess less than I did last year.

Oooh, we have to say 'last year' now when we talk about things from, well, last year. Lol.

I have become ore connected to the music I condem myself to. I like interesting sounds and singers. Scarlett Johanssons sound is just so odd and interesting and I love it, and Tracy Chapman is not a man, she just has an amazingly deep voice. Jeff Buckley is another favourite of mine these days. Its all thanks to my dear I-pod that I got for Christmas.

Why is it that when my family congregates back after not seeing each other for 4 days, they decide to be snappy, arguementative and rude, throwing every peice of negativity they have left. Why is it that they cannot just sit down and describe the exploits and adventures that they have been living through, so that we can all share a lovely time together. It certainly isn't a great atmosphere to have.

But then again, I guess things might be looking up. A family discussion of our times, all around the dinner table. For some, that might sound boring, or terrible, but honestly I love family dinners. It has been proven that just one family dinner a week can help deal with depression. Ofcourse there comes the possibility that it could end badly, but I'm not going to let that get to me.

Gosh I sound like a douche. I'm spending so much time trying to say what people want me to say, and how they expect me to say it, I now just end up sounding so drab and annoying.

If I'm honest, I'd tell you I spent most of yesterday making friends with randoms from Myspace, finding whores on Habbo Hotel and eating. I spent a good 13 hours on the computer doing shit all, and that in fact it was incredibly boring. But out of it, I have made a nice new friend that I shall go and meet with, and let the mood take us where it needs to go.

Atm, I am still in my PJ's and dressing gown. I am not hungry or thristy, but i havent at or drank anything. I feel dirty, because I haven't showered yet, and I am having cravings for cookie dough.

I am honestly feeling a bit lonely, but thats only because it may not be long until I no longer need to feel like I have no one. I still continously search for something more creative, and am constantly buzzing with imagination.

I love my friends more these days. But this blog is not for them, or you. It is for me, to help me, to make me feel better. As selfish and self centred as that might sound, when I leave this keyboard, when I stop typing, my thoughts with stop going to me and start concerntrating on those around me.

I have rambled on long enough, and now i must go shower.

Love Love xx

Goodbye The Times

I hope this new year brings so much more memories and good times.

I love you all.

xx