Saturday, March 14, 2009

Judge ME, Not US.

My latest topic of thought, has been that of Loneliness. Yep. It's one of those feelings, that I have experienced enough of in my 16 years.

Oh wow, I'm 16. When did that happen.

Anyways. Yeh. Loneliness.

In all its forms. In all its glory (cliche, gah).

I'm losing my flow of this post. I think its because I am also looking through a collection of photos, from what must have been a very incoherent party, with a lot of mistakes and sex. Wow, the expectations of drink and drugs. Why would that be the way people wish to spend there time together. Throwing up and falling over. Whoopi, sign me up for the train wreck to burger boy and check out chick.

Is that what we have to do. Whore our selves out to conformity, and enjoy nights of superficial stupidity and narcotic epilepsy, just so we can feel like we are apart of something. I'd prefer a life with 27 cats, than one where I need to look like salvos just blow up on me and I am constantly after dick.

Sorry, but vulgarity seems necessary, because it seems like the world is constantly just trying to push there agendas on you, and the only way to finalize that bit of rebellion was to lay it out plain and simple. I understand that it is in our nature to try and make everyone the same. Face it, we like it much better when we can organize things, and we would much prefer it if everyone just fitted into the same group. That group being people who are exactly like us.

So then we come across Social Stereotypes, my greatest pet hate. I know it is cliche of me to say, what many gay man before has said, but I hate Labels, Stereotypes and Categorized Opinions (and also the way my spell check keeps telling em to put 'z' instead of 's'). The sad thing is, we strive as a race on the up keeping of stereotypes. Comedy wouldn't survive without them. But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Oh, what am I kidding. Of course people are still going to keep judging others on there perceptions of what they think a person is meant to be like, defined by what group, race, orientation, up bringing, religion, sex, age, style, education, wealth, opinion and appearance. It just shits me off. That a persons opinion of someone, might change, because of pieces of information that they didn't previously know.

But anyways, back to Loneliness.

I got a phone call from my grandparents today. I haven't spoke to them in ages, it was really nice. Reminded me of the fact that I still have people out there, that do not see me everyday, but still think of me. Family. They're good people.

I want someone to think about. Someone I can have in my head. Someone I can think about how much they love me. Someone who is not here for me right now. I am not being selfish, I am just pining for the thing that everyone else seems to have. I am surround by people who can look over to someone, and have them gaze back. People who can spend hours on end with just one another looking at each other and talking about how much they love each other.

I was reminded last night, that I have actually been in a fair few relationships. Each of varying lengths. Each with there own memories and mementos. Considering I don't try my best to look desperate enough to be taken pity on, or I don't spend long times pining for specific people to come my way. I guess you could say I have been quite lucky, if you really want to think of it like that, but don't let me remind you, that I am not in those relationships anymore.

Ah, I don't know. I don't feel attractive enough to be putting myself out there, but I don't feel like my personality is that flaw that its not worth trying. I am in a rut. One that is neither enjoyable, nor painful. Just, a rut.

For now, I shall keep experimenting with what I can look like. Like my spectacle/beanie/random shirt ensemble that I put on for youth last night. Also, the blow drying and straightening (although I couldn't see through my fringe, so the beanie was needed) of my hair. Again, I question the notion of dyeing it. I'm no longer entertained by the fact of forcing myself to do it for charity. Plus, by dyeing my hair, I just mean a simple natural colour, not an over the top explosion of shades, tones and acrylic colours.

I believe I could be losing weight, or I could be delusioned and really be getting fatter. Either way I don't care. No, actually I do, but I move on.

Things are looking up.


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