I am not naive to the world. I understand more than people may give me credit for. I am never oblivious to myself, or those close to me. I know what is wrong and why.
Looking at myself has got easier. Smiling is simpler. School work is getting more than satisfactory. Hunger pains are a welcomed acceptance.
My parents can't afford to keep our house running. Dishwasher, broken. Fridge, broken. White ants, eating out bathroom. Pool, breaking. Light bulbs, keep burning out. Electricity, doesn't go to all the house. Debt, building up. Dad, stressed to boiling point. Mum, hating work.
We have each other. We have our health. He love each other. All these things, are just material objects. We could live without them, and still be happy.
Haven't seen my dad smile.
Money for holidays. Money for getting our citizenship. Money for celebrating citizenship. Money for replacing broken stuff. Money for keeping the pool clean. Money for school. Money for clothes. Money for bills. Money for debt. Money for food. Money. Money. Money.
It upsets me. Concerns me. There's nothing I can do. I am useless. Helpless. Hopeless.
In my head, I feel lost.
I need someone to hold my hand. Someone who wants to hold my hand. A hug. A genie. A person to throw hope in my face. Telling the truth. I know the truth, but I need verification. My words are useless if no one believes them.
I am optimistic, but that don't mean I don't need someone telling me that everything will be OK. I am still only human. I am still just a kid. I still love the hugs from my mum. Her giggles and laughs.
Story books find me an escape. Especially ones where you can be lost anywhere. One where you can immerse yourself in a foreign culture. Foreign myths. Foreign adventures.
My vices are gone. So I have relived them. Re-mentioned them. Put them back in my mind. Holding on to memories. Enjoying the feelings all over again. Inviting in the flavors that I have now lost.
My constants are gone.
Love Love xx