I Cant Cry

I have heard a lot of people tell me that they cry all the time. every other night, they cry themselves to sleep. not because they are unhappy with life or something, but because it just helps to release it all.

i guess i can understand that, some people just need to let go of there emotional baggage, and the bet way for them to do that, is by crying. thats fair enough.

crying is one of those things, that a lot of people have told me, is necessary. i can understand that, but i don't believe is is true. honestly, personally, i dont think it should be necessary for someone to have to go to the lowest of emotional lows, engulf themselves in all there negative, degrading and sad feelings, all to let it all out, so that you can then feel better. it shouldn't have to be that way. you shouldn't have to go through a the hole torment of welling up with tears, and screaming it all out, every few nights.

i personally don't see the reasons why i would want to put myself through that.

but that is not the reason i cant cry, because even if i could, i wouldn't cry at those moments. i wouldn't cry over the menial and trivial, because, it kinda makes the big stuff seem less important. for if you are going to cry over everything, then the big stuff just becomes another nightly cry.

so i wouldn't cry that often anyways.

but the moments when i know i can't cry, are times, when all is changing, or all is sad, all is lost and forgotten. like when i moved away from england.

on my last few days, i said goodbye, to everyone i had ever known, EVERYONE. i said goodbye to grandparents, aunts and uncles, family, long time friends. i saw all of them, blossom with tears, and i saw the trails of salty sadness travel down there faces. i saw all the people i had ever known, steadily say goodbye to me, and steadily move on. the likely hood of me seeing most of them again is limited, and i knew that, the whole time while saying goodbye. but my eyes did not water, they did not gleam with sadness, they were dry and plain.

now the simple thing to that, could be that it was shock, and that i hadnt had the time to compute it all. but i still havent cried for those days. i still havent took the time, to cry for all the people that i have lost, and i will never see again. i have not cried for the fact that i had to leave everyone behind, and i do not know when i will see most of those people again, if at all.

those days, stick into me, as ones that define me as someone who cant cry.

another tragic day in my life, wuld ne the 10th of april this year. it was a wednesday, a casually normal wednesday. most people wont recognise the date as anything significant. but to me it is the day, that the brightest most sweetest angel in my life, left me. by this, i mean, the 10th of april was the last day i saw Charity. my gorgeous angelic friend. it had been 2 weeks since we had heard the new of her leaving, and here she was. i wandered with her, as she said goodbye, to all her close school chums, i stayed with her, and missed a whole psychology lesson to spend as much mroe time as i could with her. out side the salvation army shop we had our last hug, our last words, and the last moments as i saw her turn the corner and walk home.

and again, not a single tear. not througout all of that.

but that wasnt the worst part of that day. the morning had been filled with tribulations of shit, and when i came home, my house was a warfare of explosive arguments and tension. i spent the whole night, wanting another hug. until eventually i found my self in bed. all my thoughts swirling at how much of a terrible day it had been, and how much i had lost in the past moments. and it was there, in my bed, that i tried and tried and tried, to force it. to force a tear, a singular tear. all that i wanted, was to cry. to weep my sorrows away, the shead all the terrible baggage that i had shrouding over me. i wanted to feel the steadily flow of my own sadness roll down my face. but no emotional force in me could do it. i lay there, for hours. trying to cry, and i couldn't do it.

most of the time, me not being able to cry, is fine, i can deal with it. but it is times like those. where all i wish to do, is to let it all out, and i can't.

i think i have figured out a theory as to why am i am like this.

when i was young, i was a crier. an extreme crier. everything, menial, trivial, pointless, i would cry about, and as a result, i was bullied for it. i was bullied for crying, and because of that, i cried more, and more, and the vicious cycle continued. until one day, i cried no more. until the day, that i had cried a lifetimes worth of tears. i had cried all i could, and so now, i cry no more.

don't feel sorry for me, it is my curse, my burden and my greatest positive.

so when you see me, speaking gibberish, being random or just cynically bland, i would just like you to consider, that maybe that is my way of crying, or that maybe i am just a freak, :P